


Stay With me

by SoupSenpai



Series: Stay with me [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, Death, Fluff, Gore, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Light Smut, M/M, Rape, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1909122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoupSenpai/pseuds/SoupSenpai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! Thanks for taking the time to read my shitty fic! As I go on if something confused you or you have story suggestions contact me on tumblr at soupsenpai.tumblr.com <br/>Some chapters are from Marco's POV so it may get a bit confusing but this is my first fic BEAR WITH ME</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. The best friend

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thanks for taking the time to read my shitty fic! As I go on if something confused you or you have story suggestions contact me on tumblr at soupsenpai.tumblr.com   
> Some chapters are from Marco's POV so it may get a bit confusing but this is my first fic BEAR WITH ME

The door clicked shut behind me. Slowly, I moved my hand to lock it. I leaned up against the old, oak door and slid to the floor.

 

I was shaking so much that the door was rattling. The whole world was violently shivering along with me. I reached up and ran a trembling hand though my wet hair.

 

_Why?_ I thought as I heard plates being broken downstairs. I flinched and brought my head down as if the plates were being thrown at me. Hot tears fell onto my pants.

 

I had gotten home from school not even fifteen minutes ago; not even given the chance to change before this. Blood dripped from my nose onto my school pants.

 

“Great,” I sighed. “Looks like I’ll have to take _these_ ones to grandma too.”

 

I sighed heavily as more things were being broken downstairs and shouts came up through the wood. I wished I was at my grandma’s right now. I could be in my pj’s , eating something good, talking about my day with my mawmaw right now, but instead I was stuck at home with my monster of a father.

 

Stomps came from behind me as my father came up the steps. I clutched to myself, hoped he was going to _his_ room. My breathing got fast and I started hyperventilating as his footsteps got closer and closer.  The door jutted forward and sent me flying to the end of my bed.

 

He hit the door again. “Jean! Let me in right now! Boy, don’t make me break this door down,” he screamed.

 

I was shaking again. _Maybe I should let him in. Maybe he’d be lenient with me._ I chuckled nervously as he slammed against the door again. _Maybe he just wants to talk?_

 

I walked to the door and held the handle feeling the vibrations of his beatings on the wood with his fist. I slowly unlocked it and the moment I did I knew I shouldn’t have.

 

The door flew open and my father stood there, a beer in hand, and looking almost surprised that I actually opened the door. He must have seen how scared I was because his face softened a bit as I tittered awkwardly. I rubbed my arm slowly, feeling the fear inside me well up again.

 

_This was a bad idea. Bad idea bad idea BAD IDEA._

 

 

He drank the last of his beer in one gulp and swayed a bit, still standing in the threshold of my bedroom. He walked over to me and hovered for a second, I stopped breathing.

 

“Wh-why was the house a *hic* mess when I got home Jhan? Hu?” He swayed a bit as he hovered and I couldn’t find it in myself to look him in the eyes.

 

He bent down so our noses were touching, I still looked away. “Did your mommy never teach you how to clean up after youshelf?”

 

I turned my head.

 

He sighed heavily, annoyed. “Yan, you know.” He grabbed my face and twisted it back to him, gripping hard like I was actually going to have enough balls to rip my face away like I wanted. “It is very rude to not look at someone when they speak to you.”

 

He smirked and his eyes narrowed as he pushed me away hard. I bumped into my nightstand, knocking the framed picture of my mom off in the process. It hit the floor and shattered. I stared at it for a long second before his hand had made a swift connection to the back of my head.

 

I was breathing hard again, shaking, and looking at my mom’s smiling face as broken bits of glass lay across her photographed body. That was my only picture of her. I was pulled back and thrown against the wall so hard the breath escaped my lungs and didn’t want to return. I wheezed and dry heaved into the floor as my father came to stand over me. He grabbed my hair and yanked me to my feet.

 

“Boy!” He shouted. “You’re in 10th fucking grade now and you don’t even know how to talk to adults properly? I am your father. Show me some fucking respect.”

 

I looked at him hard as he pushed my head into the wall. I gripped to the windowsill to keep from falling. I don’t know what came over me in that moment but seeing my father standing there and my mother’s picture shattered to pieces on the floor was too much and sent my blood boiling.

 

“You may be my father.” I breathed heavy. _WHAT WAS I DOING?_ I stood up straight and locked eyes with the vibrant blue of my father’s. “But I will _never_ respect you.” I hissed.

 

_WHAT WAS I DOING? YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT, JEAN, A FUCKING RETARD._

 

He looked at me hard, his lip curled up, his face twisted as if he just smelled something disgusting. “What did you say?” He demanded, his voice flat.

 

I froze, my eyes widened, and my heart seemed to stop. If he didn’t kill me right there, than he was sure to come close. My whole body seemed to be vibrating uncontrollably as he came at me and as his fist came at my face my vision went white and I was gone.

 

He may have been able to hurt my body but I found that every time he beat me like this it was easier to dream. It eased the pain and helped to block out the images so I didn’t dwell on the sight of his bloody fists later and end up having a panic attack at school or something.

 

I was sitting in a field in this dream. My mom’s cold arms were tight around my shoulders. She was laughing, it sounded so real that it made my heart ache. I sighed lovingly and looked up at her.

 

I wouldn’t have ever admitted it but I was a carbon copy of my mom. We both had long sharp noses, long faces, ash-brown hair, with small, angular shaped eyes. The only thing I hadn’t gotten from her was my father’s terrifying smile that she would have claimed to this day was why she fell for him.

 

I touched her face lightly and sighed again. She stopped laughing and sat next to me, taking my hands into hers.

 

“What’s wrong baby?” her voice was soft and so full of love.

 

“It’s dad again.” I said leaning into her, and buried my face into her shoulder.

 

She sighed loudly and rubbed small circles into my back. “It’s okay baby. It’s okay.” She paused for a moment and relaxed into my hold a bit. I was crying.

 

“You know, Jean, if I would have known I was so sick I would have never allowed you to stay with him. I knew how bad he was when he drank and whenever he was sad or upset he would drink. He’s just sad, baby. He’s sad because of me.”

 

I looked up at her, tears rolling from my eyes. “But why does he have to take it out on me?” I asked quietly.

 

Her eyes were sad and she bent down to kiss my forehead. “I don’t know, Jean. I don’t know.”

 

I submerged my head in the warm bath water. It stung the broken skin on my face but I didn’t want anything to infect my cuts. I sighed under the water and bubbles came up to break at the surface. If I wasn’t such a pussy, I’d stay under and let the breath run out of me.

 

I reluctantly pulled myself up from the water and got out of the bath. My rule was once I started thinking that way I had to get out: plain and simple. I dried myself off and pulled my pj bottoms back on. As I went to walk out, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Needless to say, I reeled back at the sight. My lip was busted and had swelled up, my eye was dark and puffy, and little spots of broken skin were dispersed across my face, neck, and shoulders.

 

I shook my head. _How could anyone do this to their kid?_

 

I went out of the bathroom and down the hall. Music was playing downstairs; it sounded like ACDC but I couldn’t really tell. I met my father’s eyes as I passed the stairs. He looked up at me as I looked away.

 

“Jean,” He said as I started to walk away. He sounded dry and a bit shaken. Maybe seeing what he did to me sober was what made his voice on edge. “A-are you coming down for dinner? I made pasta.” He tried to sound happy but his voice was a bit shaken.

 

I didn’t look at him, just rubbed my chest lightly. It was still damp. “Uhh.. I don’t think so. I’m pretty tired and kind of feel sick. Could you leave me some for tomorrow?” I tried to sound like my normal self but my voice broke as my sentence ended.

 

He shook his head before walking back into the kitchen.

 

I wrapped myself in a cocoon of blankets while in the safety of my room. I buried my face in my pillow and wanted to cry again. My whole body hurt and I really didn’t want to be alone right now. Thinking quickly, I pulled my phone out to see if anyone texted me while I was… preoccupied.

 

There was a message flashing on the screen and I opened it slowly. It was a number I didn’t have so I was kind of confused. Had I gained some popularity in the past 7 hours? Ha.

 

I read over the message slowly taking it all in. It had been sent at like 5, so a while ago now. Whoever it was, was going to be pissed it took me so long to reply.

 

                **658-772-2929**

                 Hey, Jean, it’s Marco. I don’t know if you remember me but I gave you my number after Eren introduced us at lunch. I was hoping you knew what lesson we had to do for Algebra                    because I forgot my notebook. Wouldn’t want my second day of school to start off with a late assignment! Lol :p

 

I stared at the text for a long time before I did anything. Marco? Was that that kid’s name? Huh, I was too busy staring at the freckles on his face to listen and really all I heard was that Armin knew him from somewhere.

 

I added his number in my contacts because why the hell not? Maybe he and Eren would want to hang out some time. Never know I guess. I quickly texted out a reply.

 

                **Me**

                 I think we had to do either 24 or 27. I can’t really remember. Sorry, dude. Did you ask Armin? I would have asked him first...

 

I laid the phone on my night stand. I didn’t really expect a reply so I just pushed the text from my mind and curled back into my blanket cocoon.

 

The music downstairs got louder and I heard something fall over. _Great. Is he really getting drunk again? It’s 11:30._

 

I started shaking, what if he came after me again? Remembering what I said earlier. I’m surprised he let me live after that in the first place. My phone buzzed loudly and I jumped. I slid it open and read the text.

 

                **Marco**

Thanks, Jean! I ended up getting the lesson from Armin. Are you always this slow to reply? Lol

 

I laughed to myself as something broke downstairs, tears starting to well in my eyes from fear. It was hard and unsteady but it was a laugh.

 

**Me**

                 Not usually. I was in a fight with my old man.

 

_Why did I tell him that? I didn’t even know this kid._

 

**Marco**

Really? ;( Wanna talk about it?

 

“Jean!” My father shouted. I shot up from my bed and gripped tight to my phone. Not again, please. Dear God, please, not again. I grabbed my comforter off my bed quickly and hid in my closet quietly shutting the door so he wouldn’t hear. I breathed quietly into the puffiness of the blanket, inhaling the smell of vanilla. One of my favorite smells.

 

My phone buzzed again, I gripped it to my chest tightly squeezing my eyes shut. Hopefully he didn’t hear it.

 

                **Marco**

Jean? Are you okay?

 

My hands shook as I heard my father coming up the stairs again.

 

                **Me**

This may sound weird but can I call you?

 

                **Marco**

Uhh sure jean? What’s wrong?

 

I pressed the call button as the house went quiet again. I don’t know what happened to my father but maybe, hopefully, he went to sleep. The phone crackled as I heard it ring a few times. I was breathing heavy and I tried to calm myself but Marco picked up before I got the chance.

 

“Jean? You there?” His voice was small it seemed so far away but it felt like he was right there.

 

“Y-yeah im here. Im sorry.” I paused. “I just..just need someone here with me right now.”

 

I hiccupped as my voice broke, I was crying again.

 

“Are you crying Jean? What’s the matter?” Marco sounded worried; it was nice hearing someone be concerned for me. I closed my eyes and imagined him here in the closet with me. I imagined me wrapping my arms around him shaking; having someone protect me from that monster of a man was my only wish. I didn’t care if it was my mom or this random kid, as long as it was someone.

 

“Jean..?”

 

I whipped my eyes. “Sorry. I can’t really talk that much right now but…” I stopped.

 

His breath was calm on the other end and it sounded like he was writing. I liked the sound of his breath, it seemed to calm me.

 

“Could you just talk to me? Maybe tell me about your day..something. I need to feel like someone’s here.” I whispered barley above a breath.

 

His breath hitched and he put down whatever he was doing. Stuff moved around for a minute before he responded. “Uhh..okay. I can try.”

 

Marco went on for about an hour about his first day at school. He said he met a lot of nice people and he had really taken a liking to this junior named Bert and his boyfriend Reiner. He laughed saying he had never met a gay person before and judging from those two they seemed alright to him. By the time my father drunkenly stumbled into my room I was half asleep listening to Marco laugh to himself quietly so I dint even notice him.

 

The closet door was ripped open and I shot up quickly dropping my phone on the floor. He was angry and I didn’t really know why. I started shaking again.

 

I tried to say something but my throat wasn’t going to allow that. I don’t really remember anything after that all I remember was the sound of Marco’s concerned yelling as my head smacked into my phone on the ground.

 

After the beating and the fresh blood staining my blanket and my clean clothes that littered the ground of my closet my father swayed away into his room to leave me for the night. My breath was ragged as I curled up into a ball and sobbed into my carpet.

 

Why did this keep happening? It seems like since I started school again it has been every day. I sobbed for a little bit before Marco’s soft voice came through my phone again. I had forgotten about him.

 

I slowly dragged the phone over to me and laid my head on it.

 

I coughed a bit of blood out before I started speaking. “M-Marco? You still there?”

 

He was quiet and I could hear him crying on the other line. “Y-Yeah I am.”

 

“Im sorry you had to hear that. I would have hung up but he got to me too quickly.” I was crying again as I whispered into the phone. “I didn’t mean to-“

 

“jean you don’t have to apologize to me. Just..just. Are you okay?” He said quickly, hushed. He sounded so serious.

 

I sighed and tried to stand up, I stretched out and walked back to my bed. “Yeah I think so..”

 

We were silent for a while just listening to each other’s breath on the opposite end of each other and it was nice. All of the sudden it all it me hard. I was so alone that I had to call some random fucking kid from school so I don’t go under. I thought about the bath.

 

“Marco?”

 

He sighed deeply, it sounded like my mom’s sighs; one of those you have after a good laugh. “Yeah jean?”

 

I paused and pulled my knees up to my chest. My heart was racing and I didn’t know where my mind was. My voice broke.

 

“Do you think anyone would miss me if i..” I trailed off, my voice cracking not allowing me to finish.

 

“If you what?” He sounded concerned now.

 

We were quiet again. I had never actually said it out loud before and I guess the reality of it was a bit much for me right now. I started again anyhow.

 

“If I..I killed..myself?” I was crying again and Marco could clearly hear it.

 

We were quiet again for a while until he whispered into the phone. “I would.”

 

My breath hitched and I sat upright quickly. “Marco.” I wasn’t thinking straight anymore I just knew I needed someone right now and he was the only one that had ever admitted that they somewhat liked me.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Where do you live?” I was talking quickly which probably scared him again.

 

“Uhh, 104 Rose Road. Why? Is something wrong?”

 

I didn’t get a chance to respond right away because I had already pulled my hoodie over my head and hopped out the window onto the roof. The phone was clenched between my teeth as I parkoured (not really but you get the jist) down to the ground. Marco only lived about a block away and I wanted to see him.

 

It was cold outside even though summer wasn’t really over yet. The stars where out and shining down brightly, it made me feel a little better but there was only one thing my mind was thinking of and that was Marco. The back of my eyes were stained with the sight of his freckles and his warm smile. Even though I had only seen him for about 15 minutes I had somehow unconsciously mapped out his freckles like the stars in the sky. I must have been in some weird state of high that night because before I knew it I was at Marco’s house. It was only one floor and I could clearly see him in the window of his room. He was sitting up on his bed looking tired as he worriedly held the phone up to his ear.

 

I could hear him talking on the other end. I slowly pulled the phone up to my face and smiled.

 

“Hey look outside.” I whispered.

 

His head shot to the window and he looked terrified. I gave him a little half wave before I walked to the window. He opened it slowly and looked at me shocked.

 

“What are you doing here?!” He whispered to me.

 

I climbed in through his window and he started quietly freaking out.

 

“Jean! What in fuck do you think you’re doing!”

 

“Calm your tits Marco. It’s not like im a girl or something no one’s gonna flip their shit if they find me in here. And besides it’s a weekend.” I said plopping on his bed. It was really squishy.

He sighed and sat down. “I guess you’re right.”

 

It was dark in his room and I really couldn’t see anything besides the outline of his face from the moonlight outside. He turned and looked at me bringing his hand to my face.

 

“Wow you’re pretty messed up.” He paused as I pulled away from him bringing my knees to my chest. There was a small pang like I got stabbed and my breathing broke.

 

“Your dad did this?”

 

“No the fucking tooth fairy did. See.” I opened my mouth and showed him where one of my molars got knocked out earlier. “Fucker stole my pearly whites.”

 

He looked at me hard and I took a long drag of breath. It wasn’t really the time to be sarcastic. I clutched my knees harder and felt tears slide down my cheeks. Hopefully he couldn’t see.

 

“Jean.” He sounded disappointed. Just the tone of his voice pissed me off and I stood from his bed and back to the window.

 

“Where are you going?” He said confused, there was an edge to his voice.

 

“You obviously don’t want me here, so I’ll just go sleep in the park or something. It was wrong of me to come here you were right. See you at school Monday.”

 

I went to open the window but Marco grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I hissed in pain but soon it was all washed away.

 

I was full of Marco, is arms wrapped tightly around me. I was pretty sure I was older than him but he was a good half head taller. I rested my head into this shoulder and he tightened his grip around me.

 

“M-Marco?” I whispered. I didn’t really know how to feel about this.

 

And instantly I did what all 16 year old guys do. _Am I gay? God wouldn’t dad love to hear that one. Nah im not this is just a bro hug man. He is my friend just like if Eren where to me a hug. We’re bros nothing to it. But why does he smell so good, damn he does smell good. Maybe being gay would be okay? I mean I never really have thought about it._

 

Marco was crying. I hadn’t even noticed because I was thinking way too much to the hug. I pulled away slowly and watched him fall back onto the bed.

 

“I’m sorry jean. I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

I sat on the bed next to him. Again with the high feeling I had going on, maybe there was something in the air. I grabbed his hand and his head shot towards me. We locked eyes in the dark.

 

“It’s okay. Im sorry too, I shouldn’t have done that.” Tears started to overflow from my eyes again and I sniffled a bit before going on. “It’s just with my dad and all its hard to tell when im wanted and when im not.”

 

I chucked a bit sounding sad as I looked away from Marco to the floor. My hand went to my face slowly and I touched my lip. It was puffy and the blood had dried around the edges. I started to shake again as I quietly sobbed on Marco’s bed, holding Marco’s hand. He sat there and let me let it out.

 

I told him a little about how it was at home. About mom and how dad got into drinking after she died, about him beating the ever living crap out of me for almost every day this past month.

 

“Thank god my sister taught me how to apply makeup or else someone would have found out a long time ago.” I laughed a real laugh. It was strange and broken but it was a laugh.

 

“Jean. About what you said earlier.” Marco’s voice was quiet.

 

We had moved from the edge to the middle. We were sitting facing one another both with blankets wrapped around our shoulders, our hands still gripped together. I felt like Marco was just as scared as I was, even if he didn’t really understand. He was scared for me in the ways I couldn’t be.

 

“What about it?” I whispered sighing a bit. I was pretty tired now.

 

“Did you mean it?” His voice broke.

 

It was quiet for a bit again before I took a loud gulp of air.

 

“I..I honestly don’t know Marco. Maybe.” I looked at him, he was crying again. Man this kid was more emotionally distraught than I was which was saying something at the moment.

 

I pulled him close to me, wrapping my arms around his neck and rubbing small circles into his back. It always worked to calm me down when mom was still around, it might work for him to.

 

“But as long as I have someone like you, I don’t think that’s gonna happen Okay. Let’s just forget about it.” I whispered in his ear reassuringly. Followed quickly by a yawn.

 

In a fluid motion Marco took me down to his bed and we were both lying on the cloud of blankets we formed. It was warm in the cloud and _of fucking course_ Marco smelled just like vanilla. I smiled as he laid his arm over top of me, his face buried into the pillow. He turned and smiled at me, it was a sleepy one and it was _so fucking cute._

 

I felt my cheeks go red and I looked away. Marco rolled over and all of the sudden we were _full of spooning. Him taking it upon himself to be the big spoon._

 

I was blushing so hard it felt like I was dripping with embarrassment. I covered my face with my hand which made Marco laugh. He nuzzled his nose into my neck and I could feel the heat from his cheeks too. Quiet snores came from behind me not even a minute later and at that moment I could have left, left Marco sound asleep and go back home but this, right now, felt right.

 

I scooted in a bit and Marco tightened his grip around me. Soon I drifted off to sleep too.

 

It was the beginning of 10th grade, August 25 at 2:54 am when I slept in the same bed as Marco Bodt. And in that same moment that I drifted to sleep, Marco Botd, the geeky transfer student who cared a bit too much about homework and not enough about the world around him, became my best friend.

****  
  


 


	2. "Come back.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE. I really am. Also sorry that this chapter is sad and poorly written i know very little about what happens to Jean (like in real world, medical terms) so im sorry if some things are not right.  
> Also i should have said before that there are a lot of time leaps in this fic. The majority of the fic takes place while at college (for reason i promise) but the first 3 or 4 chapters they are still in high school.

It was peaceful as I stood in the snow, the white crystals slowly floating down to the ground where little spots of grass still thrived.  Some flakes landed on my nose and I brushed them off with a heavy sigh. _Maybe this year will be my year._ It was hard to believe now that I was a senior, like time just drifted into memory like the snowflakes into the rest of the white mass lightly dusting the grass.

 

Somewhere far away people where still lighting off fireworks, I could feel the vibrations from here. They shook my feet sending a cold chill up my spine. I scrunched tighter into my jacket trying to retain all the heat I could. The sliding door behind me opened slowly.

 

“Jean? What are you doing out here?” Marco laughed as I turned to him, cheeks red, nose redder, all balled up into my winter coat.

 

He slipped out from the slightly open door and out into the snow with me. We were just standing there in the cold watching the snow drift down from the sky. It was pretty peaceful listening to Marco’s breath as he tried to keep it quiet. Some of the beer Reiner gave him was starting to get to him and he swayed a bit leaning into my side. He was still taller than me, which pissed me off, but I liked feeling small compared to him. I liked the smell of vanilla that washed over me every time we were close. I liked the feeling of his palm pressed against mine.

 

I liked him.

 

As I glanced at Marco looking wistfully into the sky, watching snowflakes fall slowly to earth, I remembered when I came to realize that. It was one of those things that hit you hard, one second you’re just playing video games with your best friend the next you’re losing every game you two play because you get to distracted falling more and more in love with him with every stalker like stare. It was like the ocean crashed into me all at once and I couldn’t even see Marco for a few days after. It was hard for me to accept that there was no way that he would feel the same, but sometimes the idea still slipped into my mine.

 

This was one of those moments.

 

I slipped my hand into his pocket here his was buried and tangled my fingers with his. Even if Marco wasn’t into me that way he always let me hold his hand. He sighed heavily and laid his head on top of mine.

 

“That was a good party Jean. I can’t believe that Reiner and Bert actually came, you’d think they’d be hanging out with their college friends.”

 

He sounded happy and just the sound of his voice when he smiled was enough to bring me up from the gray and be happy for a while too.

 

“I guess we must be cooler than their college friends.” I laughed shaking Marco off of me so I could sit down on the deck.

 

He sat next to me taking my hand back in his and squeezing lightly.

 

I watched him as he began trying to catch the falling snow, small laughs coming from both of us filling the night air with warm laughter. He caught one and sat up straight his face lit up.

 

“I got one!” He laughed. He quickly turned to me “Here you can have it.”

 

He tried to give me the snowflake but it melted before it could leave his hand. His face dropped and he sighed.

 

_Oh my god why is he the cutest thing on the planet. Especially when he gets drunk._ I chuckled as he buried his face in my shoulder. My body froze as he crashed into me with his. What was wrong with me? I was always this close to Marco but tonight something just felt different. My lips burnt as I looked down at him nuzzling into my shoulder, his hair ruffling up against my face. His sweet smell of vanilla calming my mind and relaxing my body, I shook a little bit but quickly composed myself. I wanted to kiss him _really bad_ , but I mean it was Marco. My best friend in the whole world. What if I ruined it?

 

I had kissed Marco a couple of times thought out the 2 years we had been best friends. A cheek kiss once after he carried our entire JV baseball team though a game, a forehead kiss when he got the flu and wouldn’t let me leave until he was asleep, and once on the lips as a dare at our Junior prom. They all meant nothing I thought but still after every touch, every time I let myself get too invested into him a little part of me is left with it. I was scared that if I kissed him now that another piece of me would be left.

 

He sat up and turned out to the backyard again, his hand finally leaving mine. I could still feel his heat left over but it was soon washed away from the cold outside. Even though I was sitting right next to someone I felt lonely now. It was silent for a few minutes before my phone buzzed. I fished it out of my coat pocket and peered at the text.

 

**Mother Marco**

Hey Jean would you tell Marco to come home now? I don’t want him out too late.

 

I laughed as I replied with a quick okay.

 

“Your mom said she wants you to come home.”

 

Marco looked at me with a small smile; I couldn’t really tell if he was drunk or sleepy. Whichever one it was he still looked cute and my lips still burnt for his.

 

“I guess I’ll be going then.” He stood and helped me to my feet too before we returned to the warmth of the house.

 

I shimmied off my coat before following him to the door. I grabbed his arm just as he stepped back into the cold out the front door.

 

“Uhh, are you still coming over tomorrow to watch Captain America with me?” I tittered as I closed the door behind me and stood out in the cold again.

 

He smiled “Yeah of course!”

 

“Good.”

 

Before my mind could tell me no I grabbed Marco’s arm and pulled him down a bit planting a small peck on his cheek. I pulled away and suddenly realized what I did and my face blushed bright red. I franticly turned back to the door, desperate to get out of the awkward situation I had put myself in.

 

“Good night! Happy New year!” I blurted out as I grasped the door handle and clicked it open.

 

Marco grabbed my arm and pulled me back, hard enough to swing me back to him, and in the same fluid motion our lips met. I could feel the smile on his lips and the heat from his face; he must have been blushing too.

 

Standing there in the cold with him was magic and I could feel myself melting away into him. He pressed his lips gently against mine while his hands trailed down from my arms down to my waist, pulling me in a bit closer to him. I held my hands firmly against his chest as I leaned in a bit trying to deepen the kiss. I wasn’t sure how long this blissfulness would last so I wanted to get all from it that I could. His lips parted a bit and our tongues shyly found each other’s.

 

My body took control as my mind washed away in him. All I wanted was Marco and maybe this year I could have him. He was my everything, the only thing my dad couldn’t rid me of. I was full of Marco and he was full of me and I honestly wished that this moment could have never stopped.

 

But it did.

 

A small moan came from Marco just before he unwillingly pulled away. I stared up at him and wished that he would just lean back down and kiss me again. It looked like he wanted to. Maybe I had been wrong for these 2 years, maybe Marco did feel the same way for me and I was scared for nothing. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead.

 

“Happy New Year Jean.” He mumbled before he let go of me and walked out to the sidewalk.

 

I watched him walk away and for once in my life I felt full. I was in some sort of happiness high as I staggered back into the house. Although I wished that he was still with me and our lips were still pressed together like they had just been, I didn’t feel lost like the times before.

 

I sat on the couch as my body felt heavy and sleep teetered on the edge of my consciences.  

 

“Maybe this year _will_ be my year.” I whispered into the room as I happily fell asleep.

* * *

 

Loud banging woke me; it was coming from the front door. I pulled myself from the couch and stretched out.

 

“What time is it?” I rubbed my eyes and peered over to the digital clock. 4 am.

 

I sluggishly walked to the door; the pounding was so loud it rang in my ears giving me a headache. Who in the hell could it be?  I slowly opened the door to find my father standing there looking pissed.

 

“Why was the door locked?” He asked slipping inside.

 

This was the first time I had even seen my father in 3 days and I could tell he was drunk off his ass. Not his normal drunk but the kind it is hard to pull people back from. He was gone and I wasn’t going to be the one to bring him back.

 

“Musta locked it by accident.” I said quietly, still standing by the door.

 

I watched him go to the fridge and get a beer. He cracked it open and chugged a good half of it before looking around confused than back to me. “Why is the house a mess?”

 

Oh shit. “I had some friends over for New Years; I guess I passed out before I had a chance to tidy up.” I scratched my inner arm as he huffed a laugh.

 

“So you think you can just do whatever the hell you want when I’m not home?” His voice was flat as he took another drink, presumably finishing it off.

 

He swayed a bit after looking away from me. He knew by now that I wasn’t going to answer and it really wasn’t worth the trouble to hit me for something petty as not answering anymore. After a few moments in silence he looked back to me, his eyes looked tired but he had a genuine smile spread across his lips.

 

I eyed him, shifting my weight nervously. “What?”

 

He walked up to me slowly and put his hand gently on my cheek. I inhaled deeply, eyes widening, wondering what in the ever living hell he was doing. I don’t think there had been a time in my entire life when my father was gentle with me, even when my mom was alive. He looked at me softly, the smile on his face not one of power but one of actual happiness. It was strange and it made my stomach turn, I was going to be sick.

 

“You really do look just like your mother.” He sighed, pulling his hand away and walking into the living room.

 

_What?_ I was confused to say the least, I mean he was black out drunk but he had been this way before and even then he wasn’t ever gentle with me. Most of the times I would just leave because I didn’t feel like going to the hospital because of him. This was strange and made me almost feel bad for him. I walked shyly into the living room after him.

 

“Dad? Are you okay?” My voice broke as I stood there in the arch way.

 

He was sitting on the couch holding one of the pictures of my mom. “Yeah.”

 

I sat down on the couch a ways away from him but close enough to show that I was mildly concerned for him. I didn’t know what to say, what was I even doing? I should have just gone upstairs to bed when I could have.

 

“Uhh..do you…need anything?” I stuttered leaning over a bit so he could see my face.

 

He shook his head and sighed deeply.

 

“It’s weird.” He said slurring a bit with his words. “Just how alike you and your mother look. Same everything, even body structure. Smell too. It’s just weird too me how two people could be so much alike.” He mumbled, looking at me confused.

 

I was kind of grossed out now. He knew what I smelled like? _That_ was the weird thing here. I felt pretty uncomfortable at this point so I stood up from the couch quickly.

 

“Well, if you don’t need anything I’m off to bed.” I sounded so uncomfortable, like a 12 year old whose voice cracked for the first time.

 

I turned to walk out but my father’s hand was gripped around my wrist in an instant. I froze as he pulled himself from the couch. I turned slowly and locked eyes with him, they were back to normal. Terrifying and evil. He gripped my face and brought it close.

 

“You took her from me. You’re the reason she’s gone!” He hissed. His breath reeked of liquor and stale cigarettes and burnt me from the inside out. I wanted to do something but it was really no use fighting back.

 

“What are you talking about?!”

 

He shoved me against the wall hard. Pictures rattled and some even fell free from their hooks, shattering on the ground.

 

“You’re the reason she got so sick! She was completely fine before you were born and if she wouldn’t have had you she would still be here!” Tears where streaming from his eyes as he shouted at me.

 

Why was he blaming me for my mom’s death? She got sick when I was 6 how was it even my fault?

 

“What are you talking about?!” I yelled back. “Cancer is cancer dad! She would have died even if I wasn’t born, you drunk retard!”

 

He rammed himself into me hard, knocking the air out of me. I gasped for breath as he hit me again. I fell to the floor gasping hard for air as he staggered away. He was still crying, running his hands through his hair.

 

It was quiet for a minute as he loomed over me breathing heavy. I looked up and met his eyes, they were terrifying. Not the normal terrifying they usually where, it was some horror movie shit.

 

“D-dad?” I sat up and pushed against the wall, trying to reach out to him. Maybe I could calm him down a bit.

 

He squatted down so we were face to face and looked at me hard. We sat still for a few moments before his hand found my throat, he squeezed hard.

 

“You need to pay for what you did to her Jean.”

 

He pulled me to my feet as I gasped for breath loudly. My face must have been turning blue by that point, my lungs burnt so much. He shoved me onto the ground in the middle of the room and pressed his foot into my head. It was a relief to breathe again but it was hard with a face full of carpet. I tried to break free from him but he pushed down on my head harder.

 

What happened next was all a blur, not a dream blur though like normal. My body froze up as he replaced his foot with a hand and brought my bottom half up on my knees.  My pants slid down and bunched up at my knees and pain shot through my body like fire on gasoline.

 

I yelled out as the pain continued, growing bigger and bigger. My body was ripping in half and I felt like I was dying. I bit my lip so hard trying to stop screaming that I cut through it and blood gushed onto the carpet. I started sobbing hard into the small puddle of blood. It was hard to breathe again and the knot in my stomach making me want to vomit wasn’t helping.  His hands found my hips and he gripped onto them as he pushed himself deeper and deeper.

* * *

 

The park was quiet this time of night. Everything was asleep except for the crickets which were chirping loudly in the trees. I lied in the snow and let the intense cold numb the pain. By that point I wasn’t really bleeding that much anymore but the pain was still the same.

 

I rolled over to look just in case but there was still a small puddle that had melted the snow away, exposing the brown grass underneath.

 

I fell back to the ground with a sigh. I wanted to go see Marco, I was going to see him but I figured it was kind of selfish of me to bring this problem to him. I mean he already had to put up with everything else my dad burdened me with, why should he have to have this too?

 

 

I started crying again, kind of loudly, into the night sky. My body hurt so much and I still felt like throwing up. I mean doing it 3 times on the way over out of pure disgust wasn’t enough.  Images of the past hour flooded my brain again, I was so angry at my father. How could anyone be so sick and mentally fucked up to do this kind of shit to their own kid. How could anyone do that kind of thing to a person in general? Sick fuckers of the world. They all needed to die.

 

Light footsteps crunched through the snow, making me shoot up. My body screamed at me in pain but my mind told me that if I didn’t something bad might happen. I was terrified again. Was it my dad? A cop? Marco?

 

I looked around trying to see who was coming through the snow but I couldnt see anyone. I relaxed a bit; maybe it was just me moving around in the snow. I lied back down and closed my eyes, trying to rid myself of the memories from tonight.

 

“J-Jean?” I small voice came from above me.

 

I opened my eyes quickly and saw Armin standing above me. I froze.

 

“Armin? What are you doing out here so late?”

 

“I was about to ask you the same. I-uh- heard you crying from the sidewalk. Are you okay Jean?” He sounded concerned, like he actually gave a damn about me.

 

I quickly whipped my tears away from my face and sat up. He could hear me from the sidewalk, my god.

 

“I’m fine.” I said shortly, clenching my jaw trying again not to cry.

 

“Holy f-“ Armin burst, eying the ground. “Why is there so much blood!?”

 

“It’s nothing!” I yelled. “Just go home Armin! I’m fine!”

 

He gripped my shoulders; he looked as terrified as I felt. “I’m not leaving you Jean. You’re hurt you need help! My grandpa can-“

 

“No!”

 

I pushed him away. He fell into the snow with a thud looking back at me confused. It was quiet for a few minute as we both tried to compose ourselves.

 

“I don’t need any help Armin. I’m fine okay?” I locked eyes with him and sighed heavily. “Just go home.”

 

Armin stared at me like I was insane for a few minutes but eventually pulled himself from the ground. He looked worried, actual concern washed over his entire face as he took a couple steps back. He was such a nice kid, I felt bad for pushing him down now. Armin was really one of those people who tried to help everyone, even me. Which that in itself is a mistake because I’m pretty much an asshole.

 

“You sure? If you die out here I’ll never forgive myself, you know that right.” His voice was shaky as he took another small step.

 

I managed to laugh, even though the vibrations of it hurt my stomach. Armin clenched his jaw.

 

“I’m serious Jean!”

 

I nodded at him sympathetically. I probably did look pretty bad, sitting in a puddle of my own blood at 5 am in the park, covered in snow, sobbing like a baby. But it was my problem and I had to deal with it, not him.

 

He started to walk away and before I could even think I called out his name. He looked back confused.

 

“uhh..could you not tell anyone this happened.”

 

He nodded shyly before stepping back onto the side walk and disappearing from view.

 

All of the sudden overwhelming emotion crashed into me like an ocean wave. Armin left and I was all alone again. I started crying, burying my hands into my eyes.

 

“Come back..”


	3. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all the kudos and the comments! Im happy that some of you are enjoying my fic so far! Dont worry this chapter isnt as bad as the others but there is a bit of emotion stuff in it so o-o.
> 
> I also didnt get this chapter reviewed by my friend so there might be a couple things that could have been said better if you have an suggestions on how to fix it up just message me at soupsenpai.tumblr.com

Marco’s chest was warm underneath my head as we laid there on my bed. The sun was shining through the window onto us, warming our skin. This was nice, this moment right here. It was quiet in the house but my mind was screaming at me.

 

There was so much going through my head as I traced the freckles on Marco’s pecks.

 

_Why did it always have to be when you’re drunk?_  I asked myself.

 

I sighed deeply and rolled off of Marco onto the warmed bed sheets. His breath was slow and steady; it was always a joy to watch him sleep. The way his chest rose and fell made my heart sing, the way he moaned and mumbled in his sleep made me want to just tell him.

 

Tell him I loved him.

 

I knew that he didn’t love me though. I mean things like this only happened when Marco had had one (or 15) to many and couldn’t find Mikasa. Marco and her had been dating for a little over a month now and he seemed really into her, even though everyone knew she has a thing for Eren. 

 

Nothing big ever happened though and Marco never remembered so I saw no need to tell Mikasa, or anyone to be honest, about what happened between Marco and I. But I did kind of feel bad though, I was in the way of Marco being happy with her. Plus what happened between us was technically cheating so that didn’t help much.

 

But drunk, sloppy, make outs at 3am wasn’t that big of a deal in the whole of things.

 

It was just hard to know that that was all I was ever going to be to him. Marco rolled over and faced me on the bed. He was so beautiful, I wished I didn’t have to lie to him all the time about how I felt. It hurt so much. Before I realized it I was crying, covering my mouth trying to keep my sobs to myself. I sat up and threw my legs over the edge of my bed.

 

I never would have thought that I would ever have heart ache but here it was in full bloom. Like a baseball bat to the teeth.

 

I looked over at the picture of my mom, the glass still shattered. Her warm smile cracked in half by my dad just like it had when she was alive. I sighed and looked out the window. It was around noon now and the early spring sun still shone warm thought the window.

 

Marco grunted and rolled again, rubbing his eyes as he woke.

 

“mm- oh.” He propped himself on his elbow. “Mornin’ Jean”

 

He had that stupid fucking sleepy smile on his face that made me absolutely fucking _melt._ God I wanted to climb back over to him and cuddle into his chest, inhaling every bit of his sweet vanilla/coconut smell. I wished I could fucking punch him in his dumb, stupid..perfect, tanned, freckled face. Punch him with my mouth, on his.

 

I grunted and stood from the bed, grabbing my pack of cigarettes and walking to the window. I lit one up as I leaned against the window seal and inhaled deeply. I fucking hated smoking but it helped me to relax, especially with all the anxiety problems my dad brought upon me. Marco looked at me disapprovingly.

 

“What?” I grunted turning away from him too look at anything but his bare chest, his _perfect_ fucking bare chest.

 

“You shouldn’t smoke. It can give you cancer.” Marco sat up all the way and ruffled his hair tiredly.

 

I shrugged as I turned back to him and leaned against the wall.

 

“If I die I die, I mean I’m going to anyways.”

 

“Jean.”

 

We locked eyes for a minute before I grunted again and snuffed the cigarette out on the window. I walked back to the bed, grabbed my shirt off the floor and tugged it over my head lazily. Marco lied back down as I flopped onto my pillow.

 

“Oh that reminds me. Where is my shirt?” Marco looked at me confused.

 

Shit, how was I going to explain this?  Fake it Jean.

 

“I think you took it off downstairs. I can’t remember really but you were pretty smashed so..”

 

It was quiet for a minute as Marco tried to wake up more.

 

“uhh hey Jean? Can I ask you a question?” Marco sounded confused.

 

I turned to him and raised my eyebrow.

 

“umm. Yeah. Well..” He paused and ran his hands through his hair, he was blushing. “D-did something happen last night? Between us?”

 

My eyes went wide. Maybe he wasn’t as smashed as I though. Shit shit shit, how was I going to explain this?

 

“Uhh.. nah man.” I stuttered nervously.

 

“Then why did we both have our shirts off?”

 

“You know I always sleep with my shirt off dude. I have no idea why you took yours off.”

 

Marco looked at me hard before turning to look at the ceiling. He mumbled something under his breath.

 

I sat up. “Uhh. Why do you ask?”

 

“it’s nothing, I just had this dream.” He sighed. “its nothing.”

 

I laughed and shoved him, his chest warm against my palm. It was a playful gesture but man, I didn’t want it to be.

 

“Did you have a sexy dream about me, eh?” I teased.

 

Marco didn’t say anything. It was quiet for a second after my laughter died out.

 

“…Did you?”

 

Marco’s face turned red in an instant and he rolled over. _Holy shit, Marco had a sexy dream about me? There must be a god._

 

I got up from the bed and walked over to the window again, trying to compose myself. I needed to get away from Marco or else in a few seconds there would be no blood left going to my brain. My stomach was full of knots and it felt like butterflies where kicking the shit out of it. I laughed shakily, trying to ease to tension in the room but instead I made it worse. Marco sat up worried.

 

“I’m sorry if I made this awkward!” He covered his face as he blushed even harder.

 

“Nah dude. It’s fine, you were drunk. It happens.” I said trying to sound as if fireworks weren’t trying to go off in my pants.

 

I wanted to know what his dream was about, maybe it was just him remembering what we did. Whatever it was I was ecstatic and terrified about it at the same time. What I really wanted to know was why in the hell did the sheer possibility of Marco having a dream about me turn me on so much. I turned to look out the window. There were some kids playing on the sidewalk and that weird 4ft tall dude out in his yard with his over excited friend with glasses.

 

That helped to rid me of my boner a bit.

 

Marco got off the bed and walked over to me. He put his hand on my back reassuringly.

 

“Are you sure Jean? I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

 

I looked up at him; his face was soft and worried. He was so close I could smell him. God, why did this kid exist? To tutored me sexually? Probably.

 

I turned into him and breathed in deep. I expected him to back away but he stood still. We were only about an inch apart and it was wonderful. We hadn’t been this close sober since New Year’s. My stomach turned as I thought about that night. Pain shot though my body and I tensed up.

 

My mind was racing again, memories flashing across my eyes. Dull pain shooting though my body like arrows. I froze up and stopped breathing, remembering the anger and sadness that came along with that night. It seemed like such a good night before I fell asleep. It was going to be my year. _My_ year. But he ripped it out of my hands and fucking destroyed it. Exploded it into millions of tiny pieces.

 

“Jean!” Marco gripped onto my shoulders and shook me.

 

I was breathing heavy, sitting on the floor, death gripped around my knees. What in the hell just happened? Wa- Was I crying?

 

Marco searched my eyes for some clue as to what just happened too. He looked scared. Great another thing to worry him about. I bet it was hard being my best friend, there was certainly a lot of baggage that came with my friendship. I whipped my eyes with the back of my hand and sniffled a bit.

 

“What just happened?” I sounded drained, like I just woke up.

 

“I think you had a panic attack.” Marco’s voice was small and slow, like he was talking to a child.

 

I pushed him away from me hard, he thudded onto his butt.

 

“They’re nothing to be ashamed about Jean.” He rubbed his back and looked at me softly. “I get them to sometimes.”

 

“Im not ashamed of them.” I spat at him. “I just-just don’t want it to happen again.”

 

He looked at me hard for a minute before reaching out and grabbing my hand. He looked so sad.

 

“Did I cause your panic attack?”

 

He sounded so hurt it was physically painful to even look at him.

 

“I don’t know. Just being that close to you.. It uh- reminded me of New Year’s.” I said quietly bringing my knees back to my chest, burying my face into them.

 

“What happened on New Year’s that would cause a panic attack like that?” He scooted closer to me and lightly squeezed my hand.

 

I was quiet. No matter how much I wanted to I wasn’t going to tell him, I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my dad what he did to me and he still thinks he just beat me and that’s where all the blood staining the carpet came from. I don’t even walk into the living room anymore.

 

“Jean, you can tell me.” Marco whispered as he pulled me into him. My nose rested on his shoulder.

 

I was going to vomit. I needed to change the topic fast.

 

“Marco.” I blurted out, pushing away from him a bit.

 

He looked at me concerned.

 

“I have to tell you something!” I said quickly.

 

Maybe if I told him I liked him it would distract him from my panic attack. One thing making me want to vomit for another. God, this was a terrible plan Jean.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I-uh.” I was suddenly _very_ nervous. What in the hell was I doing? Marco had a girlfriend, a life outside of me and my petty crushes.

 

But the way he was gripped onto my hand made me want to tell him. Maybe there was a chance he would return my feelings for once the way I expected him to.

 

“I-I just w-wanted to say that I..”

 

He sat in anticipation; I was shuddering like an idiot. I was making a fool of myself, fumbling over every other word. He smiled sweetly and laughed.

 

“Don’t laugh at me! I’m trying to tell you something!” I whined.

 

He bent down and kissed me, a real kiss on the lips, taking my face in his hands. I froze, eyes widening. He was kissing _me._ Marco was kissing me. He pulled away and smiled, my face still cupped in between his hands, staring wide eyed like an idiot up at him.

 

“I know Jean. I like you too.” He sighed happily.

 

“W-wh-what about Mikasa?”

 

He laughed and ruffled his hair. God, he was so cute when he did that.

 

“Me and Mikasa was just a joke. She thought I’d be funny to try to make Eren jealous. Which it was.” He laughed pulling me close again, our lips brushing past each other’s as he continued. “Besides, I would never date anyone besides you.”

 

He pressed his lips lovingly against mine again, every built up feeling I had for Marco seemed to come out with that kiss. Our lips parted and the kiss deepened, Marco pushing me slowly up against the wall. He trailed his fingers shyly down my neck as I gripped onto his shoulders. He was still shirtless and as he pushed himself into me I could feel the warmth from his chest through my shirt.

 

He pulled me up onto his lap and I ran my fingers through his hair, never even thinking about breaking the kiss. Everything about this was bliss and I had waited so long for this moment, why not get the most out of it that I could. Marco’s tongue was hot inside of my mouth as I lightly sucked on it. He moaned deeply and pulled my closer to him. God, if we were any closer our molecules could probably morph together. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, getting stuck to Marco forever didn’t sound that bad to me.

 

Marco moved his hands from my back slowly to my hips, gripping onto them lightly. I froze, my breath hitched loudly. He tried to pull my hips into his but I pulled away, breaking the kiss off. He breathed heavy and looked at me confused.

 

“W-What’s wrong?” He breathed.

 

I gripped his hands, mine shaking. I could feel my stomach knotting again as I pulled them off of me. The phantom feeling of my father’s hands gripped tightly onto my hips hit me hard and I gagged. The pain shot though my lower half again but this time with more force, I gagged again.

 

“Whoa! Whoa, Jean! What’s wrong?” Marco pushed himself away as I covered my mouth.

 

I stood up and staggered away from him, gagging again hard. I fell onto my knees in front of my small trash cam and let it all out. I heaved hard into the bin; it felt like my body was being pulled out of me from the inside. I started crying.

 

Marco came over to me quickly, rubbing small circles into my back. I puked again; my body was out of control. After it all came out I steadied myself on the bin, hot tears falling down from my cheeks. I fell back onto my butt, Marco tried to catch me.

 

He looked at me worried. “Are you okay?”

 

I shook my head no and started to cry a bit harder. I _wasn’t_ okay, I really wasn’t. How was someone like me supposed to cope with what happened to me. It wasn’t just me getting raped by my own father and having nightmares about it almost every night. It was everything. My mom, the abuse, the hatred, the self-loathing, Marco, everything that was wrong with me came out all at once and fucking ran over me like an 18-wheeler. I wanted to die; at this point I think I needed to. It would help the pain.

 

I clung onto Marco as he pulled me into an embrace. He obviously didn’t know what was going on or what to do. I cried into his shirt hard. I fucking hated crying.

 

“M-Marco.” I sobbed.

 

“What is it?” His voice was calm and low, keeping careful to not trigger something else.

 

“I-I don’t wanna be here anymore.”

 

“We can leave, go anywhere you want to. It doesn’t matter, anywhere that will make you happy Jean. It’s scary seeing you like this; you’re such a strong person. You shouldn’t have to be so scared.” He cooed to me lovingly.

 

“No.” I whispered; the tears stopped for a minute. I wanted to get this out, I needed to. “I-I don’t w-want to be alive anymore Marco.”

 

He pulled away from me slowly, holding me tightly by the shoulders. Tears welled up in his eyes.

“What?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t! For 18 fucking years I’ve had so much shit thrown onto me and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to fight anymore; I don’t want to be scared. I want to be at peace Marco.” Tears slid down my cheeks in big clumps. “I just want to die.”

 

I looked up at Marco; big tears were streaming down his freckled cheeks. His tears seemed more emotional them mine. My tears where just water coming from my eyes, they were tears of frustration, of anger. His where tears for me, Marco was crying because of me; and that fucking hurt worse than anything I could imagine. As I sat there and watch Marco take his hands off of me and burry his face in his arm, something broke deep inside of me. I reached out to him.

 

“Marco…don’t cry.”

 

He crashed into me, clutching to my back tightly.

 

“I won’t let you die Jean! Please for the love of everything that is beautiful in this world just keep fighting for a little longer. Fight for yourself, don’t let all the bad things control you.” He pulled away and put his hands on my cheeks, looking sadly into my eyes. “If you really love me like I know you do, you’ll fight. Not for me but for the life you could have outside of here. Promise me that if things get to bad you’ll come to me.”

 

“Marco..” I breathed.

 

“Promise me.” He blurted out loudly. It was practically a yell and it startled me.

 

“I promise!” I said, even if I didn’t mean it whole hearty it was better to just give him what he wanted.

 

He pushed his forehead against mine and kissed me again. Tears falling freely from both of us onto our laps.

 

“I love you Jean. I love you so much and don’t you ever forget it.” He cried.

 

My heart was breaking; in my attempts to keep Marco out of my problems I thrust him into a bigger one. I felt really bad and that in itself made me cry again.

 

“I-I Love you to Marco.”

* * *

 

I slammed the front door as I came into the house. In a fluid motion I flung my book bag off of my back and into the wall hard. I was livid and I pulled at my hair. It wasn’t very often that I got into fights at school and it was even rarer that I _lost_ fights. Especially to Eren fucking Jaeger. He had seen me with Marco at lunch while I sneaked a kiss from him in the bathroom and started flipping shit saying that Marco was cheating on Mikasa; he called Marco a lying faggot and that’s about the time I punched him. Needless to say I would have kicked his bitch ass but Marco stopped me.

 

“FUCK!” I yelled out loud, kicking the wall.

 

My dad came around the corner.

 

“Hey! What is going on?” He shouted.

 

I whipped some blood away from my nose, which was still bleeding just as much as when Eren first hit me.

 

“Great, you’re home.” I spat at him.

 

He looked at me disgusted. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean? And why in the hell are you all beat up?”

 

“Oh let me think for a minute. It couldn’t possibly be that I got into a fight now could it? No.”

 

“Listen here you little shit don’t get sarcastic with me.” He hissed.

 

“Why?” I shouted at him, getting up in his face. “You gonna fucking hit me? Like it even matters any more dad! I’ve spent my entire life getting beat around by you and im not going to fucking take it anymore.”

 

He smacked me hard across the face, flinging me into the wall a bit. Where his hand connected stung badly but just made me angrier. I balled up my fists and swung at him, getting him right in the jaw sending him stumbling back. He looked at me stunned, confused, a little dazed as he rubbed his jaw. He stood back up straight and nodded a couple small nods before looking back at me.

 

“What’s wrong with you? You got something to tell me?” He was calm, not a single hint of anger in his voice or eyes at all.

 

“What?”

 

He grabbed my arm and led me into the living room, pushing me onto the couch. God I fucking hated this room.

 

“Talk. What’s wrong?” He said shortly.

 

“Nothing Im just having a bad day.” I looked at him confused. “What in the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“We’re not talking about me Jean, we’re talking about you. I can tell that there is something eatin’ you, no matter how much you believe I don’t I do care about you and I can tell when something is wrong with my son. So just make this easier on both of us and say what you want to.” He sighed, sounding annoyed now.

 

I laughed. “ _You care about me?_ I knew you were an accountant but I didn’t know you were a comedian too.”

 

He slapped me in the back of the head.

 

I grumbled and rubbed my head. As much as I really didn’t want to admit it he was right, there was something I wanted to tell him. I wanted, no needed, to tell him about me and Marco. I figured it was better if I told him, if I showed him that I trusted him even the slightest bit, rather than him finding out himself. I inhaled deeply, I was scared.

 

“Jean.” He was getting impatient.

 

“Fine, fine. You got me.” I threw my hands up, defeated.

 

I bit my lip a bit before taking in a deep breath.

 

“Dad. I-uh..I’m-holy fuck I don’t know how to say this.”

 

“Just fucking spit it out Jean, I don’t have all day.”

 

I was quiet for a minute, my mind was all over the place and I just couldn’t say the words I wanted to. He sighed and started to walk away. Now or never Jean.

 

“I’m gay!” I blurted out.

 

He stopped and turned back to me, an eye brow raised. I panicked.

 

“M-my friend Marco is my boyfriend and I really, _really_ like him. God, I’d even go as far to say I love him dad. I know you probably will hate me because of it and I’m prepared for that but just please don’t take any anger out on or around Marco.”

 

He crossed his arms over his chest and was quiet for a minute. I was expecting him to hit me, curse at me, do anything. He just stood there.

 

“Do Marco’s parents know?” He asked calmly.

 

“Y-Yeah. Well kind of. They know that he swings both ways but they don’t know that me and him are dating yet.” I stuttered.

 

He let out a small ‘mm’ sound from the back of his throat and walked over to me. I braced myself but nothing came at me. My dad stood over me for a moment before smiling and ruffling my hair.

 

“Jean, there is something you need to know about me. I give absolutely no fucks about what people want to do with other people. If you’re gay than that is fine, I’m pretty much indifferent when it comes to sexuality. But I want you to know that if you end up sleeping around and wind up with AIDS or some shit I won’t be there to save you. That’s your own problem.”

 

_I was so confused_. Everything about this was wrong. He was supposed to be mad at me, disown me, and kick me out. But he wasn’t, he was being nice and somewhat supportive? I hated when my dad pulled crap like this, it made me remember that I actually _do_ have a dad that does care for me, though it’s hard to tell the majority of the time. He’s just a drunk idiot.

 

He sighed. “Come here.”

 

He pulled me off the couch and gave me a hug. I had never hugged my father in my entire life and was taken (pretty far)aback by it. I hesitated before hugging him back. To be honest I was happy about the way this turned out, It could have been _so much_ worse.

 

He pulled away and started towards the kitchen, stopping in the arch way.

 

“Oh and will you fucking clean your room. I’m tired of going up stairs and seeing beer cans and liquor bottles everywhere. God, it’s like you enjoy living in your own filth.”

 

I looked at him hard and burst out into laughter. He gave a small smile before disappearing into the kitchen. I kept laughing, all the negative things floating from my body. Finally after so long things where starting to look up for me. I laughed so hard I started to cry, it was nice to feel loved again by the only family I had left.

 

It really was nice; even if it was only for a minute.


	4. Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah..dont hate me please. Plus im a tease, i may actually write smut one day. But that day was not today.

I rubbed the fabric of my cap, fidgeting with the braided black tassel. Everyone around me was being really loud and my head was throbbing. I just wanted to go home. I watched sleepily as Marco received hugs from his family, his grandma and grandpa along with some of his cousins had come down for graduation. They all looked so happy and proud of him, it made my heart ache a bit. I had seen my dad earlier while the ceremony was going on but now he was nowhere to be found, which was like him so I wasn’t really surprised. I sighed heavily and slumped onto the wall as some girls pushed past me.

 

Marco was blushing at something his cousin must have said, a smile on his face. He was so cute when he smiled, the way his freckles moved around with every expression. He always looked so happy even when I could tell he wasn’t. Now was one of those times. Before we left for the graduation ceremony he had walked in on my dad and I fighting, then proceeded to get into a fight with me about it. My eye still hurt from that fight, my dad had punched me in the face for saying something stupid. I had managed to make my nose stop bleeding but the swelling around my eye was a little harder to stop. By now it must have looked pretty bad, a black eye for sure.

 

Thinking back about it all now Marco and I had been fighting a lot. My nightmares had been getting worse and the more I lost sleep the more I got angry. Also taking into account we were both stressed about finals and graduating, I mean it was a big moment in our lives and it was definitely stressful. Hopefully things would get better.

 

I looked back up from messing with my cap and saw Marco staring at me. I caught one of those rare moments where Marco looked generally sad, but his expression soon changed as our eyes met. He smiled a sad smile at me before his grandma said something to him, getting his attention.

 

“Jean? Wow you look terrible.” I looked over and saw Eren standing there, a dumb smile on his face like he insulted me.

 

“What in the hell do you want Jaeger?” I spat at him.

 

“Nothing really.” He leaned against the wall next to me. “I just didn’t realize you still went to this school. I thought you transferred half way through the year.”

 

“And why would you think that? We had history 2 together, you idiot.” I said, sounding almost as annoyed as I felt.

 

I turned my attention back to Marco as Eren said something again. Marco was talking to his mom as she was crying. Everyone was so proud of him and it made me wonder; was anyone proud of me?

 

Eren leaned over closer to me, grabbing my attention again. “Are you listening?”

 

“Huh? Sorry Im allergic to bullshit Eren.”

 

He paused for a minute before leaning in really close and whispering. “You know he’s using you right?”

 

I pushed him away from me. “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Marco is one of those people who get close to people who can protect him. He only keeps you around because you offer something he can’t do himself. You’re more like a skinny little body garud instead of a boyfriend to him.” He laughed.

 

I looked at him hard before shoving him against the wall. A few people paused and moved away from us.

 

“You don’t fucking know how Marco is. You can barely tell when someone is talking to you, how in the fuck do you expect to know shit like that. Even if it was true.” I hissed at him.

 

He lowered his voice. “He doesn’t love you Jean, no matter how much you want to believe that he does. I mean really..who would?”

 

My blood was boiling and I was breathing hard. I moved in closer, our noses touching as I moved my arm to his neck cutting off his breath.

 

“Listen here you little shit. Marco d-“

 

Eren’s spit slid down my nose. I picked him up by his neck and threw him on the ground. A few people yelled out and before I could do anything else Marco had his arms wrapped around mine.

 

“Jean! What are you doing?” He yelled.

 

“That fucker spit in my face, I’m gonna kill that brat!” I screamed. I was so livid, my head pounding. God, I was going to puke I was so worked up.

 

“Jean stop!” Marco yanked me back as I tried to wiggle free form him.

 

I swung my legs up and kicked Eren in between the legs. He fell back to the ground and cried out loudly in pain. Marco’s grip loosened and I slipped from his arms. The atmosphere in the hall had changed from happy to scared in an instant and it was silent all around us, except Eren’s whimpering. I looked back at Marco, there was a weird mix of anger and worry of his face, I pushed past him and ran outside.

 

I kept running once I got outside. I didn’t really know where I was going but god damnit I was going somewhere. All the emotions of the past few weeks started to bubble out of me and the angrier I got the harder I ran. By the time I stopped and fell to my knees out of breath I was crying too hard to catch my breath. God, I was such a cry baby.  I wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve before looking around. I had ended up at the park, the last time I was here was New Year’s. My stomached turned and I gagged hard, puking into the grass.

 

“Ahh.” I breathed heavy. “God damit, what is wrong with me?”

 

I stood a little queasy still and walked over to the swings. I sat carefully down and pushed myself a little. I swayed back in forth in the swing for a little bit, trying to let my mind catch up with all these stupid feelings, before my phone buzzed. I reluctentaly pulled my phone from my pocket and looked at the lock screen. I had a text from Marco and a twitter noticafication. I clicked on the twitter one.

 

Someone must have caught the fight with their phone because I was staring at me and Eren face to face, cringing as I watched him spit in my face. Already 100 retweets? God.

 

Marco texted me again making my phone buzz loudly. I looked lazily at the text, he was mad at me again. Well I was mad at myself so there wasn’t really anything different there. I was so stupid, today was supposed to be happy but I fucked it all up. I fucked everything up, like I always do.

 

Maybe Eren was right. Maybe Marco was just using me and I was stupid enough to get caught up in it. Maybe Marco didn’t really love me.

 

I rolled up my sleeved and traced the scars on my wrists with my finger nails, digging in hard. I could still feel Marco’s lips on them, how soft and gentle he was. If Marco didn’t love me then why would he do things like that for me? Why would he pretend for so long? I scratched at my wrist, reopening cuts from the other day, watching little drops of blood form and slide down my hand onto my shoes. The pain felt good in a weird way it made my crying feel more justified. If I cried from the pain then I didn’t feel like such a cry baby.

 

My mind started racing again; everything I had ever done was coming back and slapping me in the face. My body was shaking as I stood from the swing. I dug harder into my arms. I was having another panic attack but this time I didn’t know why and that scared me. I could feel people’s hands all over me and it made me cringe. I was so mad and so sad all at one time and the mix of emotions just sent me overboard. Eren was right, who would love a person like me? My dad didn’t, Marco didn’t, no one did and I knew that. I was stupid to think that people actually did like me, childish in fact.

 

My mind fell into the gray that I had become accustomed to but my body was still working on overdrive. I started to run back to my house. It was time for this, it was now or never Jean.

 

_Now or never._

* * *

 

**Marco’s POV**

 

Jean’s house was quiet as I walked in. Hopefully he was there but then again there was a good chance he wasn’t. When he got really upset like this he often just ended up places. I shut the door behind me quietly before heading to the stairs.

 

“Jean?” I called out.

 

I was really worried about him. I hadn’t seen him in hours and after his fight with Eren at the school I’d called him a few times but he didn’t answer. His door was cracked open a bit so I let myself in.

 

“Jean?” My voice was small as I found him curled up on his bed.

 

A sudden wave of heat hit me and I began to sweat. I walked over to Jean who was curled up under a comforter.

 

“Holy hell why is it so hot in here?” I tried to pull the blanket off of him. “You’re gonna get a heat stroke.”

 

He gripped to the blankets and yanked them from my hands. He was shivering.

 

“I-I’m cold.”

 

What? I pushed my hands into his forehead to see if he was sick, his skin was clammy and cold.

 

“Jean are you alright?”

 

He didn’t respond but he looked up at me. He looked sleepy and his eyes were glossy, mouth opened the slightest.

 

“Marco” He breathed so quiet I could barely hear him. “Do you remember when we first met and you ended up cuddling me on your bed? Ha..your bed was really..comfy.”

 

I stared at him hard, worry growing inside me like a balloon. What in the hell was wrong with him. I started shaking a bit as I brushed his hair off of his forehead. I looked around. Maybe he had taken something.

 

My breath hitched as I saw it, an empty bottle of pills laying on the floor. I moved quickly and picked it up, turning back to jean the balloon of worry betting so big it was starting to suffocate me.

 

“Jean..did yo-did you take all of these?” My voice cracked.

 

Jean looked at me and smiled. “It was time.”

 

He giggled under his breath before sitting up. I stared at him as I froze, eyes widening, tears welling up at the corners. What was I supposed to do? The balloon popped so hard I stumbled before rushing to him. I pulled him from the bed and to his feet.

 

I didn’t know what I was doing but I saw someone do this in a movie one time and by that point I was praying to god that it would work. I didn’t want to lose Jean, I couldn’t. He was my everything. I was crying as he slumped against my shoulder, lovingly moving his hand to my cheek.

 

“M-Marco don’t cry. Don’t worry I-I’m going to go see my mom. Wont she be happy to-“ He hiccuped and a little bit of puke came from his mouth and fell onto the floor.

 

I gripped onto him hard as his knees started to give out. He grunted and tried to pull away, whining about his head hurting. I half walked him/ half dragged him quickly to the bathroom and laid him in the tub, turning the shower on. He cried from the cold water and tried to get out but I pushed him back down. My mind was going so fast I didn’t remember what to do next. Jean’s phone buzzed in his pocket and I pulled it out, he pawed at it lazily but gave up.

 

His dad had texted him saying he wasn’t going to be home tonight. I quickly unlocked his phone ignoring the text and went to the internet. I searched what I was supposed to do but it was hard with my tears blinding me.

 

Jean started singing something to himself. It sounded like a weird French itsy bitsy spider, which made me laugh a bit. I finally found what I was supposed to do and went right back in to action.

 

“Jean I need you to sit up for me if you can.”

 

He tried to but could barely open his eyes at this point. I needed to do something fast or else it would be too late.  I helped him sit up and rubbed his back, mentally preparing myself for what I had to do.

 

“Im sorry Jean. This may hurt a bit.” I took a deep breath in.

 

I moved my hand to his mouth and forced my way in, opening it wider with my other hand. He gagged a bit as I worked my way in farther in farther. Jean hunched over and heaved hard, puke came out fast. I took my hand out and watched him grip onto the bathtub, tears falling form his eyes. After he puked he was breathing heavy, he put his hand out searching for me and I let him grip to my arm. Jean was shaking really bad as he puked again. At this point I had to look away, this was a little too much for me. I felt like I was going to puke as I heard it all come out of him violently.

 

God, this was like a nightmare. I had never been very good in situations like this and this one was probably going to traumatize me for the rest of my life. Sitting on my boyfriend’s bathroom floor, soaking wet trying to get him to puke his guts out to save his life. Defiantly going in my scrapbook. I took a couple deep breaths trying to calm myself down, Jean would be alright, I did what google told me to do and by the looks of it he hadn’t been the way he was for a while. Yeah, it was going to be alright.

 

Jean tugged on my shit as he sat up and leaned against the wall, groaning loudly. Droll was hanging from his half opened mouth, he looked terrible. His eye was still all swollen from this morning where his dad hit him and the scratches and cuts along his arms were irritated and red. It made me sad to look at Jean like this because before he was so stubborn and bull headed that he would never have allowed himself to be in this situation we were in now but something had changed this year and I still didn’t know what it was. Maybe it had something to do with New Year’s..it was a possibility because he had had panic attacks just from thinking about it.

 

I reached over and brushed the ash-brown hair sticking to his forehead away. He looked up at me sadly, eyes heavy, still slightly glossy. He seemed kind of okay now, more here than he was just a minute ago.

 

“M-Marco..” He breathed his breath not even a whisper.

 

“What is it Jean?” My voice cracked loudly making me squeak Jean’s name.

 

Fat tears welled in his eyes and he slowly moved his hands to his face, burying his palms into his eyes.

 

“Do you hate me?” He cried softly.

 

I pulled him into my chest quickly, rubbing the back of his head trying to calm him down. I was a little mad at him but nowhere near hating him.

 

He was saying something but it got muffled by him rubbing his face in my shirt.

 

“What did you say?” I said slowly pulling him back up so our eyes could meet.

 

He breathed in heavy for a couple seconds, he was shaking really badly again this time probably just from being so upset. He pulled himself back into my chest and gripped lightly at my shirt.

 

“I-I said..do-do you hate me now because I broke yo-your promise?”

 

“What promi-“ I started but was cut off by the sudden realization.

 

The morning that Jean had his first panic attack in front of me I had made him promise that if he ever got to bad he’d tell me and we’d work it out. He had before but this time he didn’t and broke the promise. I hadn’t even realized that he still remembered that.

 

“Jean..it’s okay. The only thing that matters is that you’re all right now. We should probably get you to the hospital though just to be safe.” I rubbed his back a bit.

 

He shot up, a little too fast by the look on his face. “No! I can’t go to the hospital! If I do they’ll tell my dad what happened and god, just thinking about what he’d do to me just..”

 

He faded off and stared at my face sadly, eventually putting his cold hand on my cheek.

 

“You are so beautiful Marco. I’ve never met anyone before who had an entire galaxy on their face.”

 

I sighed. I hated my freckles and it made me feel self-conscious whenever someone brought them up, they were just dots. Nothing special. Jean talked about my freckles a lot, Armin said that sometimes in class he would talk about them and doodle me with a billion freckles on my cheeks. It was nice to think about the way he admired them but to me they were over rated.

 

I pulled Jean to his feet and helped him out of the bathtub. His knees where still wobbly so he had to hold onto me tight.

 

“Let’s get some clean clothes on you..”

* * *

 

So it turns out that Jean didn’t actually have any clean clothes besides a few dress shirts. When we got back to his room we were both dripping from the shower so our best option was to just strip down to our underwear. I wrapped Jean up in his blanket again so he wouldn’t get cold. (I turned the heat down too)

 

He leaned against me and was pretty quiet, the sound of his breathing not even audible.

 

“Marco.” He whispered.

 

I looked at him and went to say something but nothing came out. I felt bad for not answering but he just sat up a bit and went on.

 

“You never said that you didn’t hate me when I asked…” He folded his hands in his lap, fidgeting with his thumbs. “An- And I keep getting this feeling like you do. Not from this but from all the fighting and shit that’s been happening lately. Im sorry if I did something wrong to make you mad at me and Im sorry that I’ve been angrier than usually it’s just that there has been so much going on and I don’t know how to deal with it all. Growing up and graduating is a big thing and I didn’t want to get in your way but I see I failed in-“

 

I put my index finger up to his lips. “Jean..you’re babbling again.” I breathed.

 

I took my hand away and leaned down, gently pushing my lips on his. They were cold and dry but that didn’t really bother me, it was nice to kiss him again after fearing I’d never be able to. I pulled away and grabbed his hand lightly bringing it to my lips. I grazed his cuts with my mouth and smiled at him. I hoped that he didn’t find it weird that I did that it was just a comfort thing for me, knowing how it felt to have scars like that made me want to show him all the compassion I could.

 

“How could I hate you Jean? You are everything I have ever wanted and more, there is no way in hell that I could hate even the smallest cell on your body. I understand that things are hard for you right now and honestly anyone who would hate you the way you are now doesn’t deserve you when you’re happy.”

 

He half smiled at me and brought his arm back down from my lips, rubbing at it slightly. I sighed and put my wrist out to him.

 

“I’ve been where you are Jean. Unlike other people around here I can actually understand how you feel.” I whispered as his head shot towards me.

 

He grabbed my arm lightly and rubbed his fingers over the pale scars. “I never even..”

 

“It’s all okay now though because I’ve gotten better. You’ll get better too if you just hold out for a little longer.” My smile was wide as I looked at him, I was just so happy that he was here with me or else who knows..maybe those scars from my past would be reopened.

 

A couple tears fell from Jean’s eyes but he wiped them away quickly and brought my arm up to his mouth, lightly kissing my scars. I looked at him slightly dumbfounded as he gripped onto my hand. I was the only one who had ever kissed my own scars and having lips touch my wrist again sent a cold chill down my body, suddenly remembering all those night back in my freshman year when I’d put my mom’s x acto knife back under my pillow and push my face in my wrist, blood the flavor of copper on my lips.

 

I pulled my arm away fast with a little too much force and held it tightly to my chest. It was quiet in the room as Jean looked at me sadly, but understanding; it made me wonder if he felt that way went I kissed his cuts. He came in close and kissed me again.

 

This kiss was different than the ones we had shared before; there was something more to it. I couldn’t tell what it was though. It was something strong and meaningful, not like the burn of lust or the haziness of drunk make outs. Something real was brought out in this kiss and it made my heart ache and my hands start to tremble as they found their way to Jean’s sides, careful not to touch his hips. Our lips parted and our tongues slowly found each other’s like long lost friends. Jean wrapped his hands around my neck and scooted himself onto my lap. He grinded up against me through our thin underwear and I could feel everything. He was half hard, little moans of pleasure vibrating from the back of his throat as he moved his hips slowly against me.

 

The blanket fell from Jean’s shoulders and slid from the bed to the ground. I pulled away, scooting him off from my lap to reach down and pick it up. He groaned a bit as I got up but wrapped his arms around my waist as I stood at the end of his bed, blanket in hand. I kissed my hip bones and purred up against my butt.

 

I laughed quietly as I brought the blanket back onto the bed and over us, pulling Jean back into a kiss letting us both fall onto his pillows.

 

“I-I didn’t want you to get cold.” I breathed against his mouth, making sure the blanket covered us both completely.

 

“You don’t have to worry about that.” He tangled his fingers in my hair and deepened the kiss again, rolling his hips up towards mine.

 

I moaned loudly as his hips met mine a wave a pleasure taking over me, making me roll my hips right back into Jean’s. I was nowhere near as hard as he was now but I was getting there, the sensation building up in my stomach. It had been a long time since something like this happened, I was never really one to be aroused easily and masturbation was hard to achieve for me, so whenever Jean wanted to do things like this I always felt bad. But there where the little things that tended to get to me every time and one of those things was the sound of Jean moaning in pleasure.

 

He was always so reserved when he was with people and the emotion and relief in his voice when he moaned made me go crazy.

 

Jean broke the kiss and pushed his mouth into my shoulder as a high, loud moan escaped from his lips as I grinded into him. I bent down and kissed his neck, lightly sucking along his jawline. My heart was pounding hard and the sound of Jean’s breathless moans and gasps made my head spin.

 

I was so in love with him at this moment, the way he moved, the way his breath felt against my skin, the way he looked in this moment was beautiful. I watched him as his face changes with each moan, each thrust. He looked so beautiful. This was a Jean I had never really been able to see before and because of the unfortunate events that unfolded tonight I was surprised I was even doing this with him right now. It wasn’t like him; it wasn’t like me, to be in any kind of mood like this with what happened. More small whines came from Jean as he snaked his arms around my chest, scratching at my back lightly. We were stuck in our grinding trance for a couple minutes, hypnotized by one another.

 

Jean pushed me away forcefully and got up from the bed, hand clasped over his mouth. I stared at him in confusion, not able to say anything from breathing so hard. He stood a ways away from me and clutched onto his mouth hard with both hands.

 

He was breathing hard and the muscles on his back shook with every exhale, little beads of sweat dripped down his spine, small tears blotted the corners of his eyes. He took a big gulp before relaxing a bit into his own grip.

 

“Wh-whats wrong?” I managed to get out, normal breathing coming back to me slowly.

 

He took his hands away from his mouth and looked at the ground hard. Jean crawled back onto the bed and laid down, his back still facing me. I scooted over and laid with him, wrapping my arms lazily around him; ignoring my painful boner, whatever wrong with Jean was more important.

 

“I felt like I was gonna puke again.” He murmured into his blanket.

 

“Are you alright?” I asked sitting up a bit. He might not have gotten it all out before, which in itself was enough to start my anxiety back up.

 

“yeah yeah I’m fine.” He turned towards me and started feeling around on my stomach and hips.

 

“What are you doing?” I laughed at him quietly as he wiped something off of me, cursing under his breath.

 

“I uh-I kinda came too and I accidently got it on you.” His face turned red and he quickly buried it in my shoulder.

 

I started laughing again.

 

“Don’t laugh at me Marco! It’s been a long time okay? Im sorry.” He yelled at me, pulling away a bit

 

I pulled him back into me and kissed his forehead. Even though the moment was pretty much over I still felt all the love I did just a minute ago. Jean was still so beautiful even with his cheeks all red and sweaty. I kissed his lips softly trying to ease my smile against his lips but it didn’t work. He sighed heavily and nudged himself into my chest as my happy laughter died out. I sighed too and put my chin onto of his head.

 

I was worn out, with everything that happened today it’d be hard not to. I looked down at Jean who looked pretty beat to.

 

“Marco?” He breathed, his lips passing over my chest at he spoke.

 

I hummed into his hair as a response, his smell of really nice and it was making me sleepy. He must have put on cologne for the ceremony. Typical.

 

“Do you..wanna get married?” His voice faded into a whisper as he passed out against my chest.

 

My heart stopped. I had never even thought about getting married to anyone, I figured I’d never marry anyone. But Jean wasn’t really anyone, he was mine and the thought of him being my husband and maybe raising a kid with me sounded really nice. I sighed into his hair and kissed his head lightly. If I were to marry anyone in the entire world, it would be the boy cuddled into my chest in this moment. It would be Jean and it would always be Jean, forever.

 

“Yes.”

 

 

 


	5. Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out!! I've been going though some writers block and shit and I could not write today at all so I am SO SORRY IF THIS CHAPTER IS SHIT.

I felt like death as I palmed my eyes, trying my hardest not to fall back asleep. The smell of coffee filled our small apartment making it even harder to wake up. I pulled myself up from the couch and stood there for a moment trying to compose myself.

 

I had another nightmare last night which ripped me from sleep for about 2 hours, I don’t remember when I fell back asleep or how I got on the couch but at this point it was history.

 

Marco walked through the narrow archway from the kitchen and laughed at me, the freckles on his face shifting with his smile. He was so cute it almost hurt looking at him. _Almost._ I sighed deeply inhaling the strong aroma of the coffee as I sat back down on the couch, Marco taking his rightful place next to me. I nuzzled into his shoulder.

 

“mm-how long was I out?” I mumbled into his shoulder, clutching my cup letting it warm my oddly cold hands.

 

“Ahh, about 3 hours.” Marco sat his cup down and wrapped his arm around me, allowing me to berry my face in his chest.

 

I inhaled deeply, taking his sent in me. It was the most perfect smell and I swear I had had dreams about it.

 

“You know Jean.” He started voice barely above a whisper. “Your dreams have been getting pretty bad lately. Maybe you should go see a professional about it. W-We don’t want to repeat the past.”

 

I pushed away from him and brought my knees to my chest, clutching to my coffee cup hard. For some reason Marco thought that because of what happened he needed to be careful and all mother like around me. It made me really mad and turned my stomach.

 

“I don’t need help Marco.” I spat.

 

“Im just saying Jean, some people are starting to worry about you. Me being one of those people. I hate seeing you like this. You haven’t sleep properly in weeks I just-“

 

“You just want to help me? That is what you were going to say..wasn’t it?” I said bitterly. “And who are these “some people”? Armin? Reiner?” I stood from the couch, smacking my coffee cup on the table a little harder than I expected. I looked at Marco hard. “You know just as well as I do that I don’t have anyone besides you to worry about me. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. No one wants to be friends with a person like me.”

 

Marco sighed and took a drink from his coffee cup. The conversation was done and we both knew it, I wasn’t going to back down with this and Marco didn’t want to fight. I pushed past his legs and walked to the bathroom. The door clicked shut behind me. I walked over to the mirror and was thrown off a little at the reflection staring at me.

 

God, I looked terrible. My eyes were dark and heavy lidded, the cut under my lip from my last encounter with my father was still puffy and red, my face looked hollow as if all the life had been taken from me. I thought for a minute, gathering my thoughts from this new information. I felt really bad about the way I looked and now thinking back I felt guilty about getting on Marco about being concerned for me, I would be concerned if I knew someone who looked as dead as I did. Maybe I should go see someone, my nightmares had been getting worse and worse. My school work had been suffering from it, Hell, I was surprised I didn’t flunk last semester. I thought college was going to be less stressful because I wouldn’t be living with my father but the nightmares about him where just as bad. I could feel every little touch his dreamself gave to me. I shivered as I thought about it before walking back into the living room.

 

Marco was still sitting there but he had turned the Tv on, most likely to distract himself. He wasn’t really that big into watching it and It was mostly there to fill the empty space in the room. I shuffled and he looked over to me, surprised to see I had come back out so quickly. I scratched the inside of my arm nervously.

 

“Uhh. Maybe your..uhh..right.” I mumbled.

 

Marco raised an eyebrow. I sighed heavily.

 

“I probably should go see someone about the nightmares. They’ve..They might have been worse than I’ve been telling you.”

 

Marco stood up and walked over to me, bringing me into his arms gently. He kissed the top of my head lightly.

 

“Jean.. If you really don’t want to go you don’t have to. Im just concerned, that’s all. If it makes you uncomfortable maybe you can just talk to me?” He hummed into my hair.

 

I wrapped my arms around him. “No. I-I really think that this is a thing that needs to be taken care of.”

 

Marco pulled away from me, a sad smile and a concerned look in his eyes. He sighed and leaned down, grazing his lips against mine. The gesture made me sad. Marco hadn’t really kissed me in about a month and I didn’t really know why. I wanted so bad to grab his collar and indulge myself in him, like when we were younger when I would be so full of him I didn’t know how to handle it, but there was this feeling in the back of my mind that if Marco wanted to actually kiss me he would. He wasn’t kissing me for a reason and not knowing the reason made my heart ache and my stomach turn.

 

He pulled away and left me with a feeling of withdraw. Marco was my drug that I had gotten so use to having and ever since we moved in together at the start of the year he had been really distant. It hurt a lot; the only person I had was ignoring me the majority of the day, only remembering I was a thing when he felt necessary to. I sighed loudly and walked into the bedroom, quietly changing, getting ready for class.

* * *

 

**Marco’s POV**

I watched the clock carefully, it was starting to get dark and Jean still wasn’t home. His classes all ended about 2 hours ago and my heart was beating so fast it actually hurt. I didn’t want to get all worked up like this but with the way Jean had been acting it was hard not to.

 

I loved him and if anything happened. I buried my palms into my forehead and dragged them down my face, I was so stressed out. Even without the whole Jean situation I would still be stressed, my classes where really hard this semester and the amount of work I was expect to do what insane. I sighed loudly into the air.

 

There was a soft knock against the door and I practically shot to it, flinging it wide. All the emotions flowing out of me like a broken dam but they were all halted by the small blonde girl standing in the doorway looking surprised.

 

“Expecting someone Marco?” Annie said mockingly in her monotone voice.

 

All the weight that had been lifted fell back onto me hard. Why was Annie here? “Uh- kind of.” I stuttered.

 

She raised her eyebrow at me and shook her head.

 

“Bert told me to tell you to come get Jean. He’s been at their place for about an hour now and him and Reiner are pretty shitfaced. Bert doesn’t have your number or he would have called you.” She said shortly.

 

I dug my fingers into the bridge of my nose. So that’s where he’s been? God. I shook my head and sighed annoyed.  Annie leaned against the door frame.

 

“Not saying that I care or anything but I saw Jean earlier while coming out of class and he looked pretty bad.” She scrunched her face up like she had smelt something bad. “You two doing okay?”

 

Her question caught me off guard and I looked at her a bit stunned. Annie wasn’t really the type of person to involve herself in other people’s matters and especially mine. We weren’t really friends to say the least and neither one of us really had intensions of becoming friends.

 

“Uhh, yeah. We’re fine.” I stumbled over my words.

 

She looked at me like I was lying, I kind of was but she didn’t need to know that. She waved her hand in the air and turned away, starting down the hall.

 

“Whatever. You should probably hurry up and get your boyfriend; Bert didn’t sound all that happy.”

 

I watched Annie walk down the hall and into the elevator, I would never admit it to anyone but I was surprised she had come up here. But the strangest thing of anything was why Bert didn’t just use Jean’s phone. It would have saved Annie a trip and postponed the hassle that was known as my boyfriend.  I sighed heavily letting my shoulders slump, I was tired now after all the worrying. At least I knew that Bert and Reiner were with Jean and although Reiner could be a bit childish at times he was like the big brother Jean never had. 

 

I tugged my shoes on and headed to the elevator myself. Thoughts of Jean kept running though my head. This past month or so he just seemed so off, with school and the nightmares making him freak out it seemed like he was never at peace with himself. It made me sad to think about, I wondered about how he must be feeling. I guess it was kind of selfish to be sad because of what Jean was going thought but when you love someone you start to feel the same way they do with some things.

* * *

 

Jean leaned heavily on me as we waved goodbye to a very drunk Reiner, who was standing in the doorway pantless. Our apartment building was a couple blocks away, not a far walk at all, but with Jean being drunk and having me practically carry him it seemed like it was going to be a long one.

We walked slowly down the sidewalk, Jean stumbling over his own feet and the clumps of snow that had gathered on the cement. After a while we were finally back at our building. Jean sighed loudly and nuzzled his head on my shoulder.

 

“Marccoooo.” He cooed at me from the fabric of my coat.

 

I stopped and helped him straighten up, he looked really sad and it made my heart stop a bit.

 

“Marco.” He took a ragged breath in before falling back into me, making me stumble a bit. “Maroo. Did y-you know that I love you. Like a lot.”

 

I sighed and let my heart start beating again. I didn’t really expect him to say something devastating but every time he gave me that sad look of his it made my heart stop, it took everything to push the image of him glossy eyed in his bathtub with that same look on his face out of my head.

 

“I know Jean.” I said as I tried to help him stand on his own again.

 

He stood there for a second before swaying and falling onto the ground, I tried to catch him but I was too late. Jean looked up at me shocked and confused as he realized he had landed in a half melted puddle of snow.

 

“Marco, why am I all wet?”

 

I looked at him hard for a second before laughing out loud and helping him up.

 

“You literally just fell into that puddle.” I laughed, pointing to said puddle.

 

He looked at it confused before laughing along with me. His smile was wide and my heart filled watching him laugh at his own embarrassment.  For the first time in months he looked happy.

 

After a lot of struggling and Jean falling all over me in a soaking wet heap of himself we finally made it back into the apartment.

 

Jean fell on the couch with a wet sounding squish noise.  I laughed for a second as Jean gave me this soft look. He was one of those people whose heart was on their sleeve and no matter how hard they tried to cover it up it still shone through at times.  I walked over to him and helped him out of his wet coat.

 

“Wow, you actually are freaking soaking! How deep was that puddle?” I teased as I helped him out of his shirt, which was also very wet.

 

Jean fell onto his back on the couch as I went and put his wet clothes in the laundry basket. I turned back to him and watched him for a moment. Jean had gotten really skinny over the past couple months and his ribs there poking out from his sides, his hip bones jutting softly from his waist band, his collar bone prominate and slightly red from being cold. He looked weirdly beautiful, like those pictures of pale anexoric girls covered in flowers or some hipster shit like that. I walked over to him and sat on the floor by his head, lightly running my fingers though his hair.

 

“You’re getting pretty skinny Jean.” I said lightly, he didn’t really like it when I pointed out things like that because he knew I was concerned about them.

 

He looked up at me from under his eyelashes. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

 

Jean raked his fingers softly over his ribs, sighing a bit as he brought his hand back up to rest on his chest.

 

“Is it the bad kind of skinny?”

 

“Ehh, no but it looks like it could be if you don’t stop stressing about everything.”

 

“ _You_ stress out over everything. I stress about important things.”

 

I snickered at him ruffling his hair. “Oh really?”

 

“Yea.”

 

His voice echoed in the air, hanging there for a minute.

 

“Marco? Can I ask you a serious question?” His voice was small and he looked over at me.

 

“Yea, you can ask me anything.” I tried to keep my voice calm but it cracked a little at the end. Serious questions made me nervous.

 

He looked back to the ceiling and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. 

 

“D-do you actually love me?” He stopped for a second, knowing I’d be taken aback by the question. “I know I’ve asked before and all but just since we moved in together It feels like we’re not even dating. I miss the way we use to be in high school. Plus you haven’t even..”

 

His voice faded and I waited for him to finish but he didn’t. I gulped hard; no matter how many times Jean asked this question it was always hard to answer. I did love him and he knew it, I knew it, it was hard to make him believe it though. I touched his cheeks and made him look at me; tears were welling up in his eyes.

 

“Jean Kirstein. There is no way, no matter what, in any situation that I wouldn’t love you. I love you as much as anyone could love another person. Im just not good at showing it and you know that. I know it makes you feel really bad and I’ve realized that.” I smiled sadly at him.

 

He smiled and turned back to the ceiling. “Good.”

 

It was quiet in the room for a while before Jean whispered something. I hummed in response bringing my face up from the couch where I had laid down next to Jean’s shoulder.

 

“My cut hurts.” He said quietly, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “Can you kiss it and make it better?”

 

I laughed quietly as I moved so I was hovering over him, he looked tired again. The small cut under his bottom lip was red and irritated, most likely from being wet. I belt down and lightly kissed it before bringing my head back up, hovering only inches above Jean. He searched my eyes longingly.

 

“Does it feel better?” I asked voice low and calm.

 

He shook his head shyly so I bent down again and kissed the cut again, dragging the moment out a little longer than last time.

 

“What about now?” I don’t know how he even heard me because to me it sounded like low vibrations of nothingness.

 

He shook his head again, this time so slow it was kind of hard to tell. Our faces where really close now and our noses where touching lightly. I wanted to kiss him really bad but I didn’t want to trigger him into a panic attack or anything, I searched his eyes trying to see if it was okay. He was looking at me though his lashes again, searching my eyes. It looked like he wanted to just as bad as me. I bent down and pressed my lips lightly on his, the feeling of his lips against mine again made my heart flutter; the tips of my fingers burning to touch his skin. I pulled away after a second and looked at him, a bit worried but all the worry was pushed away when I saw the relief on Jean’s face.

 

I smiled at him. “What about now?”

 

Jean wrapped his arms around my neck quickly bringing him close to me again. “It’s starting to feel better; maybe one more kiss should do it.”

 

“Just one?”

 

He kissed me again, his lips pulled into a smile against mine.

 

“Maybe more..” He hummed against my lips before he slid his tongue into my mouth.

 

I trailed my fingers down his sides feeling every inch of Jean’s beautiful damp skin. Jean’s tongue was hot in my mouth. We stayed kissing like that for a bit before Jean pulled away and fell back into the couch. His face was red and he was breathing heavy, I probably looked the same but it was cute to see Jean like this. Jean was so bitter it was nice to see him out of that dumb façade he had on all the time. He looked up at me though his lashed and smiled. I couldn’t help myself; I bend down and trailed kissed up and down his neck.

 

“M-Marco.” Jean cooed into my hair.

 

I pulled him into my lap, ignoring how wet his pants were from falling in that puddle earlier. My mouth was on fire as I tenderly kissed Jean’s collar bone. He moaned into my hair as I ran my hand down his torso and wrapped my hand around the bulge in his pants, my thumb gently caressing it. Jean positioned his head in my shoulder as he moaned softly into my neck. I felt kind of dizzy as I slowly unbuttoned his pants and slid my hand inside. It had been a long time since we had done anything like this; it felt good to hear Jean’s moans again.  

 

“M-marco..please.” He managed to get out in between moans.

 

I kissed his shoulder as I continued to work my hand up and down along his length. Jean moaned loudly and breathlessly against my skin, his shoulders shaking. He pushed off from my shoulder and sat straight up meeting my eyes. There were tears in the corner of his eyes and his cheeks were wet. Was he crying? Why was he crying?

 

“Marco..please stop.” He whispered, another small moan escaping from his lips.

 

I stopped and pulled my hand from his pants.

 

“Jean, what’s wrong?” I asked tenderly as he looked away from me sad.

 

I guess I should have expected something like this to happen. Jean was drunk and pretty drunk to say the least. I was taking advantage of him, of course he probably felt like shit because of it. The only time in months we do anything sexual and it is when he is white girl wasted. I buried my face in my hands.

 

“I’m sorry Jean. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I swear.” I blurted out.

 

“No Marco..” He swayed a little bit but steadied himself on my shoulder. “It’s not your fault; I wanted you to do that actually”

 

He hiccupped a little; it was cute. Kind of like when a baby animal hiccups, that kind of cute.

 

“Well, what’s wrong then?” I asked as I ran my hand over his messy hair.

 

He sat back up and looked at me hard, locking eyes. There was something about his look that made me feel a bit uneasy, like I didn’t know something and he wasn’t telling me what it was. That look at been there for a while now that I was thinking about it. Maybe he wanted to tell me something.

 

“I. I just..I just cant. There’s just too many memories that pop back up whenever this stuff happens. Memories I don’t really want to remember..” He sighed.

 

“Memories? Like what?” I asked quietly. Maybe something happened when he was younger, that kind of stuff happened a lot now a day. Still stick, the people who do that kind of stuff though.

 

He got up from straddling my lap and stood with his back turned towards me.

 

“I can’t tell you right now..”

 

My heart dropped. I could figure out on my own that something happened to Jean, maybe on that New’s Years he sometimes talks about, but I have never really been able to tell exactly what happened. I was kind of hoping he would have told me, but if it upset him than I wasn’t going to press it. He would tell me in time if he felt like he needed to.

 

“I understand.”

* * *

 

**Jean’s POV**

I was trying really hard to pay attention to the lecture in my accounting class today. I really was. But it seemed like every time I wasn’t forcing myself, my mind was somewhere else.  I was so tired and my body was aching badly, today in itself was pretty shitty. I sighed and started doodling in my notebook, letting myself zone out again.

 

I thought about Marco. His lightly tanned skin covered in an explosion of freckled, how there seemed to be more and more every day. I loved Marco. Everything about him made me love him more, every day I fell deeper and deeper. Butterflies swatted around in my stomach making me smile.

 

“Jean.” Reiner whispered, leaning over to me.

 

I grunted in response, he ruined my fantasy.

 

“Wanna come out with me and Bert this weekend? I found this club in the city and I wanna go party.”

 

I stared at him for a minute, was I actually being invited somewhere? Weird. I turned back to my doodling.

 

“Can Marco come?” I asked looking at him from under my hair.

 

He smiled wide, showing his teeth. “The more the merrier dude!”

 

“I’ll ask him when we get out of class.”

 

I smiled at my paper. Maybe it would actually be fun, going out with Reiner and Bert. I had never actually hung out with them before; it was mostly Marco who did that, so it would be an adventure. Plus I had been stuck up in the apartment for about two weeks now, going out seemed like a good idea.

 

Class let out about 5 minutes early today which was a fucking blessing because I had missed so much. Maybe I could go home and try to catch up before my next class. I tugged my book bag over my shoulder and walked out of the building. It was warm today even though snow still covered the ground. I strolled down the sidewalk a little bit before I got a weird twang in my stomach. Something felt off.

 

I looked around to see if anything was weird but everything seemed normal. I kept walking slowly. It was probably just me being tired, sleep deprived paranoia setting in. I got that a lot actually..

 

I turned the corner and stopped, frozen in place. Marco was standing on the other side of court yard a tall blond boy standing next to him. The blond guy looked at Marco so fucking lovingly it made me gag a bit, anger building in me. I went to yell out to Marco but stopped as I watch the guy put his hand on the small of Marco’s back. I felt sick. It felt like my heart had shattered as I watch the guy move closer and closer to Marco.

 

I turned around and started to walk fast. My aching heart moving my legs instead of my brain, I kept walking past the dorms and out of the campus entirely. I stood at the front gate and stared at back into the court yard. I couldn’t see Marco or the blonde guy anymore and I hoped that they had gone. Hopefully separately.  


	6. Dreams, more like nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already had this one written. ENJOY YOUR TEARS. *evil laughing*

A dark blue haze formed around me, clouds forming at my feet. It was cold here, where ever I was. I clutched to my arms and started walking, my footsteps echoing loudly their rhythmic pattern burning it’s self into my brain. They were loud crunching footsteps like I was walking on snow which in hind sight would explain why it was so cold. Maybe I was sleep walking? I doubt Marco would let me get all the way outside though.

 

Voices hung in the air all around me but they sounded far away. There was laughter, a lot of laughter. I stopped walking and tried listening to the voices more clearly. It was Armin and Marco. They were laughing, it sounded familiar.

 

“Jean.”

 

I spun around to the voice and saw Eren standing there, a horrified expression on his face. I had seen that same expression when he was younger and his mom was in that bad car crash, he had seen her die right in front of him and was plastered with that terrifying expression for weeks. Fat tears were in his eyes and dribbled down his cheeks.

 

“J-Jean.” He choked out, pawing at his face and falling to his knees hard.

 

He sobbed into his hands for a long moment as I stared at him, shocked. I knew very well this was just a dream but looking at Eren sob made my heart deflate. It was all just imaginary but this time it felt so real.

 

“I-I’m so sorry. I couldn’t-“ Eren sobbed looking up at me, blood splattered across his face.

 

I was taken aback at the scene. What the hell was this about? What couldn’t he do? Why was he all of the sudden covered in blood?

 

I reached out to him, stopping just above his shoulder. “Eren.” I breathed. “What couldn’t you do?”

 

He looked up at me, tears streaming down his blood stained cheeks.

 

“I couldn’t save him.” He whispered.

 

“Who?”

 

Eren’s breath hitched and he looked to the ground. His sobs hung in the air as my heart thudded loud in my ears. It was so loud it echoed back at me with force giving me a headache.

 

“Eren who couldn’t you save?” I yelled, crashing into him but going right though his body.

 

I fell down, farther and farther away from Eren. Wind rushed past my ears fast causing Eren’s loud sobs to become a thing of the past. I hit the ground with so much force that the entire world seemed to shatter around me, the sound of breaking glass like thunder before a bad storm. I gasped for breath loudly as Eren’s last words met my ears.

 

Marco. That was all he said. Marco was who he couldn’t save.

 

I shot up from the ground and looked around hastily. Something was wrong with Marco, my anxiety growing inside of me fast. I started running.

 

“Marco!” I yelled into nothing.

 

I ran faster.

 

“Marco!” I was yelling as loud as I could, my voice cracking as it came back to me in vengeful echoes.

 

I ran harder.

 

“MARCO WHERE ARE YOU?” I stopped dead in my tracks and screamed at the tops of my lungs, tears welling in the corners of my eyes from worry and frustration.

 

Light footsteps came from behind me and I spun around fast. No one was there but the footsteps kept sounding. I was freaking out; did I accidently take to any sleeping pills again?

 

A hand gripped a handful of my hair and I was thrown to the ground hard. As I fell I looked up and saw my father standing there, a small child wrapped in a blue blanket cradled in his arms and an older me standing in front of him. My fists where clenched and I looked really angry. I ripped the baby from his arms forcefully letting the blanket fall from it. It kept falling, drifting down calmly. I (present me?) reached up to catch it but it slipped through my fingers, beginning to grow and grow until I was surrounded by the light sky blue of the blanket.

 

I was laying on my back now. No impact, not collision. Just calmly laying there, peaceful silence filling me.

 

“Jean?” A small voice came from in front of me and I looked up.

 

It was Marco, sitting with his back towards me. I shot up.

 

“MARCO!” I yelled.

 

He laughed lightly, his shoulders moving at the notion, a deep sigh falling into his laughter’s place. Marco slowly turned towards me. I let out a loud yelp in surprise before a wave of emotions came over me and I sat there in utter shock because of what I saw. Marco’s face was covered in blood, half of his forehead gone. His eye was swollen shut as blood pored over it. I gaged as he stood, blood falling like water from his body. His right shoulder was practically gone too; bone jutting out, small fibers of muscle and skin clinging to the off white. He looked calm as he adjusted himself awkwardly in front of me. It seemed like he was uncomfortable being there with me.

 

“M-Ma-Marco…” I choked out. “W-What ha-happened to you?”

 

He looked at me sad with sad eyes, a smile spreading across his face. It only took a few steps and his face was inches away from mine. I tried my hardest not to scream at the sight of him being so close but my stomach betrayed me and I gaged hard again, my hand coming up to my mouth quickly. Marco grabbed my hand lightly and held it in his own freckled one. He leaned in closer and kissed me lightly, the taste of his blood hard on my lips.

 

“I miss you Jean.” He breathed as he pulled away and stood, turning away from me.

 

“Marco, I’m right here.” I tried to grab his arm but he was walking away, already a ways away.

 

“Marco! Wait!” I tried to get up but as my feet hit the ground I stumbled and fell, a wave of pain shooting through my left leg. I looked down and saw blood gushing from my thigh.

 

“Marco!” I yelled desperately as he faded into black, leaving me alone.

 

Tears welled up in my eyes and I broke down. Sobbing harder than I had ever cried in my entire life.

 

“I-I miss you to Marco.” I whispered into my palms.

* * *

 

I shot up from the pillow letting a loud scream escape as I quickly regained contentious. Marco yelped in surprise, banging his head on the head board of our bed.

 

“Ahhh! Whats wrong?” He asked, rubbing the back of his head.

 

I breathed heavy as I covered my mouth, the sight of dream Marco coming back into my head. I whipped towards Marco to see if he was alright. He was. All of his body was there, not a freckle out of place. Tears filled my eyes and I took a ragged breath in, letting it out as I crashed into Marco’s chest. I cried loudly as he sighed and ran his fingers through my hair lovingly.

 

“Shh. It’s okay Jean. It was just a dream.”

 

“You were- and Eren was-dad- blood.” I mumbled worriedly into his chest, trying my hardest to calm down but failing miserably.

 

Marco calmly laid back down, opening his arms so I could cuddle up against him like we were before I had woken up. I cradled up against him, clutching lightly at his shirt.

 

“He couldn’t save you..” I whispered.

 

“Hmm?” Marco kissed the top of my head.

 

“Eren.” I said shortly, a bit bitter. “He said he couldn’t save you.”

 

It was quiet in the room for a while, the eeriness I was feeling from the dream settling over me heavily. Marco’s light snores filled his chest and I looked up to him, again making sure everything was right. I had knots growing in my stomach that kept getting tighter and tighter until it hit me.

 

Eren was right.


	7. The fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So im so fucking sorry this took so long to get out I had some serious writers block for a while! The next chapter wont talk as long i promise!! Anyway thanks for almost 700 views! Remember that if you have any questions or comments about this fic you can reach me at soupsenpai.tumblr.com!

My body ached. Was it because I hadn’t slept properly in 3 days or was it all the anger running I’ve been doing? Who really knows at this point? My mind was all cloudy and numb, I couldn’t think anymore but of fucking course the nightmares didn’t stop. Even though I’m almost an entire state away from my dad I still feel his fingers on my skin every night, they rip deeper and deeper into my mind as time passes and every single time I wake up screaming and in pain.

 

It didn’t help that Marco stopped sleeping next to me either. I mean he would let me fall asleep on his chest like normal but once I was out he’d go sleep on the couch. I know that I’m probably a handful for him and that just makes me angry, why did this shit have to happen to us?

 

I stared at him now, his freckles bright against the black light of this fucking club Reiner brought us too. His skin looked really dark against his freckles and the weird contrast made him look ridiculous, but still as cute as ever. It was loud and people smashed up against one another so hard you’d think it was gym class. Macro was smiling at me and it made the numbness go away for a second.

 

“I love you Marco.” I said under my breath as I gripped his hand. He of course, couldn’t hear me over the music.

 

He raised his eyebrows, probably a way to tell me he didn’t hear me but I just smiled as big as I could force it and waved it off, mustering something that looked like a laugh. He bent down and kissed my cheek bringing his mouth to my ear.

 

“Im going to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a second.” I nodded before he turned and forced his way through the crowd.

 

A loud sigh escaped out of me as I watched him walk away. I hadn’t said anything about the blond guy I saw him with the other day, which was another reason for the anxiety in my heart. The fact that every time I saw Marco I would flash back to him, covered in blood, bone and brain out in the open, wasn’t helping the feeling either.

 

I gaged a bit as I remembered the dream from last night. I had been trying to figure out what it meant but nothing had proven it’s self the answer yet.

 

There was a light at the end of this stupidly long tunnel of depression and I was determined to find it. I was trying to be happy, I really was, but yet every time the burden of my feelings was lifted from me something always came back around and kicked me in the face. I felt stretched thin and exhausted and you could see it on my face. Those black bags under my eyes didn’t just pop up overnight.

 

In fact in some strange way I liked to see myself how I was now. I looked like a zombie, hallow cheeks, darkened eyes. No matter what I did my hair still looked like shit, the mousy brown tones becoming a weird green brown color. The cuts along my sides were like a trophy to me, the stretched skin over bone a blessing. It was wonderful in a morbid sense to be this way.

 

Because from here I was either going to get better or die. Either one could be an option at this point. Either one a wish come true.

 

The music continued to boom around me and I could feel it in my veins, pumping the blood running though my body to the beat of the song.  It was a weird feeling that I accepted willingly, closing my eyes and letting the music surround me. It was a weird dubstep song which that in itself made goose bumps crawl up my arms but the real kicker was the sight of Reiner and Bert out on the dance floor.

 

The looked so comfortable together, like them being together so close in public was natural and normal. To them it was. As I watched them dance along with the others I had a realization; me and Marco didn’t seem all that comfortable with each other.  I looked around trying to find him.

 

My heart ached as the idea stuck in my brain. Had me and Marco ever been “comfortable” in public with each other like Reiner was with Bert. I racked my brain but there wasn’t anything to support a positive idea. We had been dating for almost two years now and we had never really shown affection like normal couples. That was probably my fault in all reality.

 

I sighed. Even with that thought upsetting my mind I actually felt good. I felt alive for the first time in months and man, I wished Marco as with me. I looked around for him again. No sign, where in the hell was he?

 

Someone crashed into me making me stumble into a girl behind me. The world seemed to shift from this weird happy place I was in back to reality where the music was way too loud and the air smelled like sweat. I turned quickly to make sure the girl was okay. She was small with big eyes and light blonde hair, she looked down to her top which was soaked from her spilling her drink.

 

“I’m sorry!” I shouted over the music, taking a step in so she could hear me.

 

She laughed a light blush of drunkenness now apparent on her face. “It’s okay! It was an accident!”

 

I smiled at her. She was cute I had to hand it to her but the tan freckled girl standing next to her looming in protectively made it clear she wasn’t up for conversation. I quickly turned, almost out of fear, and tried to find the guy who pushed me. There were a lot of people and I was sure the guy was gone now. I scanned the crowd and my eyes flicked to the beautiful freckled face of my boyfriend. I smiled, relieved that he was coming back. I watched him as he tottered around people, trying to be polite.

 

I watched as a hand came from the sea of people and planted down on his shoulder. The blonde guy from before was standing next to Marco and I was almost knocked off my feet by the force of my gasp. What in the hell was he doing here? Better question: what in the hell was he doing talking to Marco in a place like this? I wanted to go over there and make it clear that Marco was mine and no one else could have him but when I went to take a step my feet wouldn’t move.

 

It felt like they were nailed to the ground and all I could do was watch as the guy talked to my Marco. Making him smile, making him laugh. My blood boiled as I balled my fists, the black rage filling me again just like it had for the past coupled days. I wanted to run away again but my feet weren’t moving at all.

 

“Hey! Sorry to bother you but do you go to Rose University?” The blond girl was at my side, bouncing cheerfully so I could hear her.

 

I looked at her a bit dumbfounded before looking back to Marco and that dumb blonde guy. They were close, their chests almost touching.

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

“Awesome! I think we might have a class or two together, I know I’ve seen _that_ face around somewhere.” She giggled loudly.

 

“Historia, you don’t need to be talking to people like _him._ ” The tan freckled girl leaned in grabbing her arm slightly tugging her.

 

“Ymir! That’s rude. I can talk to whoever I want.” She pulled her arm away receiving a ‘tsk’ sound from the other girl.

 

I was locked on Marco and the blond guy, the eyes never leaving them. Marco’s face was flushed as the blond guy smiled at him. My hands felt numb from gripping into themselves so hard, my blood boiled so hard you could probably see the steam rising from me.

 

How could Marco act like that with another guy? After all this time with me never even acting like he was my boyfriend in the first place. How could he be so close to someone else, how could he show how red his face gets when he is flattered, how could he..

 

“Hey. Are you alright, you’re crying.” The small blonde put her hand on my arm gently and for the first time in this conversation I looked at her.

 

I felt the tears fall from my eyes and run down my cheeks. There was a knot in my throat, everything was moving so slowly. I looked back up to Marco and met his eyes. They looked happy when they first caught mine but quickly turned to concern. He pushed the blonde guy away a bit saying something to him before pushing his way to me. He grabbed my shoulders accidently shoving the blond girl a bit.

“Jean, what’s wrong?”

I tried to say something but the knot was too big, I couldn’t breathe. I looked back to the blonde girl, who was now back to her tan friend, she glanced at me worriedly.

“Jean?”

Anger was still bubbling inside of me and as I looked back to the blonde guy it erupted from me. I gripped Marco’s collar and shoved him away. He stumbled and fell to the ground, knocking a few people around as he fell. Everyone around us was quiet but the music still pumped loudly.

 

“What the hell Jean?” Marco shouted, rubbing his back in pain.

 

The knot in my throat untied and my voice came through at full blast.

 

“What the hell?? WHAT THE HELL? What the hell was that Marco?” I pointed to the blonde guy who was now behind him, helping him back to his feet.

 

“Whoa dude, cal-“

 

“Don’t you fucking _dare_ tell me to calm down.” I hissed at the guy.

 

“If you didn’t want to be with me anymore Marco you could have just told me. You know’ instead of flirting with this asshole right in front of me. Very fucking classy of you Marco.”

 

I turned away and pushed through the crowd, tears falling freely from my eyes. Marco shouted something after me but I didn’t hear, I just had to get out. I needed to run.

 

I broke free from the club and was greeted by cold night air. My feet were taking me somewhere, the destination unknown but hopefully it was somewhere so far away I could forget about it all. I could forget about college, nightmares, my dad, Marco.

 

I slowed from a dead sprint to a walk, eventually standing in the middle of the sidewalk.  I couldn’t cry anymore, my eyes were all dried up. I wasn’t going to cry over Marco anymore, even if my heart was shattering just behind my ribcage. I clutched my shirt and looked down to the sidewalk.

 

Maybe I was overacting?

 

I stood there in the middle of the city sidewalk; a few people passed by and gave me a weird look but kept walking. I pulled on my shirt harder and dropped my head, I wanted to cry. Maybe all that hope and happiness was just the universe telling me that shit was going to get worse. I should have known that I wasn’t going to get better. I stumbled over to the nearest building and slumped down to the ground and clutched my knees to my chest.

 

I closed my eyes the cold wrapping itself around me. My heart was shattered and my Marco was out there with that blond fucker. I gripped my knees harder and screamed into the sky. The people down the street stopped and turned towards me as my scream died out. Tears gathered in my eyes but didn’t fall.

 

Why? Why did this shit have to happen to me? The tears finally broke through and instead of hot angry tears they were fat and cold as they slid down my cheeks. I was finally broken, so far gone not even the embarrassment of crying and screaming in public could stop me. I was sobbing and I could feel the awkward concern coming from the people on the street.

 

“Jean!”

 

I looked up and saw Bert standing at the end of the street. Relief settled over him and he slumped his shoulders. He jogged up to me, kneeling as he came to a stop.

 

“Thank goodness I found you. Marco is so worried about you.”

 

I started to scratch my arms. “I don’t fucking care.”

 

Bert looked at me sad. His voice was quiet and slow as he put his hand on my shoulder.  He went to say something but was cut off by Reiner’s voice.

 

“Finally! Marco, Bert found him!” Reiner walked up to Bert, Marco trailing slowly behind.

 

I glared at him. “I don’t wanna fucking see you.”

 

“Jean..”

 

“Don’t fucking talk to me.” I yelled at him, shifting from my ass to my knees. I scratched at my arms blood dribbling down slowly.

 

Marco grabbed my hand, folding it in his. I pulled it away forcefully and pushed him away from me hard. He fell back onto the sidewalk smacking his head. The sound made me cringe but I didn’t react. I just sat there, my blood still boiling. Marco sat up fast, his hands clasped on the back of his head, his black hair messy.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you Jean!” He shouted.

 

I froze, our eyes locked. He sounded so angry it made my heart shatter again. I wanted to just reach out and fall into his chest and say I was sorry but I couldn’t. I dropped my head as tears fell again. They were fat and stained my jeans.

 

“You’ve been acting fucking crazy the entire night!”

 

“I’ve been acting crazy? You were the one flirting with other guys right in front of me!” I yelled back, my voice coming out shaken and raspy from crying so much.

 

“What are you talking about? I haven’t been flirting with anyone!”

 

“Guys come on. Calm down both of you.” Bert tried to break us up.

 

I got up in Marco’s face. “Really? Because it really looked like you were fucking flirting with that blond guy. I saw you two together the other day, don’t fucking lie.”

 

Marco wrinkled his nose. “Who? Thomas? He is my partner for my med class. Why would I be flirting with anyone Jean?”

 

I sat back. I really did just assume didn’t I? I was over reacting.

 

Marco’s face was angry. “Your paranoia is getting fucking annoying Jean. Come on, be a fucking adult.”

 

I wanted to throw up. Before I knew it I was on my feet walking away from the group.

 

“Jean!” Marco scrambled to his feet and grabbed my arm pulling me back around towards him.

 

I pulled my arm away. “Don’t fucking touch me! Im sorry im so annoying and hard to deal with Marco. You should have just broken up with me before you swore up and down you actually loved me.”

 

We stood there in silence, both of our breathing uneven and heavy.

 

“I do actually love you Jean.” Marco’s voice was quiet.

 

I turned around. “You sound just like my dad.”

 

“If I sound just like your dad why don’t you go back and live with him. I’m sure he had a better way to deal with your shit Jean.” Marco yelled, gripping my collar pulling me back into his face.

 

I was fucking livid; my fists were starting to ball up. My mind and body weren’t talking to each other I was so mad and without thinking my hand came up and slapped Marco across the face. He let go of me and took a step back, a red mark already forming on his freckled face.

 

“You never really loved me did you? Every time you swore you did was just another way to use me wasn’t it. Eren was fucking right about you. Eren fucking Jaeger was right about you all along.” I hissed at him. “I was just a fucking waste of you time.”

 

It was quiet as the uneasy atmosphere settled over us all. Reiner and Bert looked at us worriedly but looked like they couldn’t find it in themselves to intervene.

 

“You should have let me die when I had the chance..”

 

Marco’s head whipped up and our eyes locked again. I tried to tell what he was thinking but I couldn’t tell, he looked like he was on the verge of tears though. It was quiet for a long moment again before Marco’s face twisted and his soft freckled face became hard and angry. He lunged at me and for the first time in my life a punch in the face actually hurt me.

 

I fell onto the street, my head smacking the pavement hard. Blood flew through the air and landed on my shirt. I let out a loud gasp and my world shifted.

 

I wasn’t in the dark street anymore but instead in my mom’s meadow. My mom was standing next to me a smile on her face. It was forced and made me sad to look at.

 

“Mom. Why are you smiling like that?” I said, reaching out and touching her face.

 

Tears fell from her eyes as I caressed her face. “I’m so sorry Jean.”

 

My heart shuttered and suddenly my mom turned into Marco. He was sobbing into my hand.

 

My body felt the same way it felt whenever I listened to sad songs at 3am. Loneliness filled my body as I slowly pulled my hand away. He tried to grip onto it but his fingers were just out of reach.

 

All of the sudden the haze was gone and the gentle wind of the meadow was gone, the dampness of the street came back to me. Marco was standing where he was before, still looking just as angry. I sat up slowly bringing my hand to my face. I was bleeding from my nose, I touched it and a wave of pain shot over my body. I clutched my face and brought my knees to my face, burring it deep into my legs, tears streaming from my eyes fast. Why did this fucking hurt so much, I’ve head my nose broken before and the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as this.

 

Bert and Reiner were by my side, trying to help me but I kept pulling away from them.

 

“Jean, we gotta see if your nose is broken!” Reiner tried to pull my head up but I forced it back down.

 

“Stop touching me!” I yelled, pushing away from them and taking off down the street.

 

I ran as fast as I could, blood pumping through my veins heavy. My body felt weak and stretched thin. I kept running though, I needed to get home. I didn’t believe what just happened, I couldn’t believe it. My feet kept taking me further and further even when my body wanted to give out, my feet tripping over one another making me stumble and fall, but every time I got back up and kept running.

 

I wanted to be as far away from Marco as I could.  



	8. Aftermath. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yet another chapter that took forever to get out! haha im so sorry im terrible. ANYWAY, i hope u like this chapter remember if you have questions or suggestions for this story you can contact me via ask on my tumblr! soupsenpai.tumblr.com

I sat on my bed, tears and blood running from my face. I don’t think I had ever cried that much in my entire life.

I was used to being pushed around and beat up on. Everyone I knew did it. My dad, my sister, even Reiner. But Marco? He was a different thing entirely.

I pulled my hand away from my nose and looked at the blood that dripped from it. It wasn’t that much but as it dripped from my palm to my knees it felt like so much more. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t see the sun under the water of emotion and no matter how hard I struggled the water kept holding me down. Pulling me farther and farther until the darkness consumed me.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest and rested my chin on them. I didn’t really notice how much I was crying until I thought about what just happened. My tears were overflowing and making the legs on my jeans wet.

I flopped down into my pillow face first. My whole face was throbbing and I could tell I was going to have a black eye at least. Hopefully my nose wasn’t broken. I rolled over and looked at the celling. I remembered all the good times in this room. Every laugh, every long sleepless night when Marco would just hold me, the times we would play around and Marco would blow kisses into my stomach. We laughed so much then, we were so happy. What changed?

It was too much to think about right now so I brought my arm up to my face and covered my eyes. Tears were streaming from them like a river after a dam break and it made me angry. Why was I crying so much? It was my own damn fault that Marco hurt me. I'm the one who instigated him to the point of...this. I guess I never thought that Marco would actually hit me.

My body was shaking as I turned on my side and curled up, clutching to my knees as I sobbed into the darkness. A small whimper came from the back of my throat. It was small and shaken. I sounded so scared.

Everything about this was different from before. It seemed like the same feeling I had when my mom died and Dad started beating me. I was terrified, broken, I felt useless.

_Get it together._ I shouted in my head. _You actually thought this guy loved you right? Ha. It’s just like before._

I gulped hard. It was like before, nothing had changed and Marco sure as hell didnt want anything to do with me now. Not after was I said, what I did. How could he?

My eyes felt heavy and as I slowly and painfully drifted to sleep I could hear Marco's voice in my head. It kept repeating, getting louder and louder until it was too much to put up with. I buried my head under the blankets and tried to think of mom. She was happy with me right?

Finally I calmed down and was somewhat at ease. My eyes closed and little shaken breaths come from my mouth unconsciously. Darkness started to come to me and I willing let it. As my last moment of consciousness came to a close I heard Marco again. His voice was soft and shy.

"I love you jean."

* * *

 

My eyes opened to bright sun. It was almost too bright and I had to shield my eyes, hissing for a moment. My eyes adjusted quickly and I looked around. Where ever I was it was strange and smelled like a hospital. A pang in my chest hit and stopped my breath. I quickly pulled my hand up and tugged on my shirt. I stared into the seemingly nothingness for a while, just standing there gripping at the collar of my shirt.

Tears fell on my fist, small ones. The small tears are always the one holding the most pain. I let go of my collar hesitantly and quickly whipped my eyes with the back of my hand.

_It wasn’t fair._ I thought. It really wasn’t to be honest. I may have been an asshole and a dick the majority of the time but I had a reason for pushing people away like I did. This. This was one of those reasons. I sighed and let my hands fall to my sides again. My breath was uneven like I was still sobbing but no tears were coming.

Why did things like this happen to me? For years I had been asking this question. Still I had no answer.

A tingling sensation came from my palm and traveled up my arm. I looked over quickly and saw Marco standing beside me, holing tightly to my hand. He looked sad as he looked into the nothingness. I couldn’t help but stare, it was a weird and unheard of to see this kid sad. His eyes were glossy and even his freckled face seemed to have lost its luster.

"M-Marco?" I said, breath catching in my throat.

He turned to me and smiled. It was big and unhappy; tears fell from his eyes and shone like shooting stars on their way down. I moved my hand quickly to brush them away but as I reached up my hand stopped midair.

He was laughing, tears over flowing from his eyes. He turned away from me and kept laughing. My hand fell from the air as I stood. I didnt know what to feel hearing him laugh like that. It wasn’t Marco’s laugh. Marco's laugh was high and happy, full of kindness and love. _This_ laugh was scary. It was hurt and every few seconds his breath caught and he struggled to keep laughing. _This laugh_ didn’t have any kindness or love in it at all. It sounded more like unbearable pain, it sounded weak.

Marco fell to his knees and balled up, clinging to himself as his body shook almost uncontrollable. I was scared. I don’t know who for, me or him. My heart ached as I watched him sob besides me in this room of nothingness. I bent down and placed my hand lightly on his back.

His crying stopped and more a few moments we were all alone in uneasy silence.

Suddenly, my hand was torn away and I was flung back. My head smashed onto what seemed to be the ground. Marco stood turned away from me as I sat back up holding my head in my hands.

Blood gushed from me and soon I was in a large puddle. Hate bubbled form me as I looked back to Marco who stood very still about 4 feet from me.

"What the hell! You piece of shit, I knew I couldn’t trust you!" I screamed at him.

He turned slowly and as I saw him now my eyes widened.

"No." I whispered but in this place it sounded like a shout.

The man standing where Marco was a second ago defiantly _was not_ Marco. His face was mean and his cheeks un-freckled. He turned to me full on and I just watched in disbelief.

My father was standing there, the same god awful smirk on his face that I unfortunately had inherited. His eyes where fire, his fists balling up and out. Over and over.

I tried to stand, run, scream. Anything but I did nothing but stare at my father in horror. He took a step closer and the whole room boomed. Another step. Boom.

He was hovering over me; the sound of his breathing was a hiss as he looked down onto me. I couldn’t look up so I stared at his knees, hoping, praying that he wouldn’t use them.

In a bust he grabbed a fist full of my hair and pulled me up to face him. The familiar smell of beer and stale cigarettes engulfed me and I shut my eyes. It was silent again besides the sound of my terrified breathing. It was broken as I wheezed and waited.

Nothing happened.

I opened my eyes sheepishly and saw lightly tanned freckled skin. Marco? His eyes where shut but out faces where so close I could smell him. He still smelled like coconut and vanilla and everything I loved but it had somehow changed. I touched his face lightly and he pushed into my palm, opening his eyes.

They weren’t his soft brown eyes, the ones with freckled of green scattered about. They were the same shocking blue ones I had seen a million times. The ones I never willing looked into. They were my father’s eyes.

I pulled my hand away in horror. What has happening? Was I somehow comparing my father to Marco in the most terrible and horrifying way? God I was. Tears of fear fell down my face.

"M-marco?" I said again, gently. Hoping he would come back to me.

The god awful smirk cursing Marco’s lips returned as I received the most savage beating of my life. I felt myself slipping away as the Marco/father beast climbed on top of me and delivered punch after punch.

I was too terrified to move, even if I could.

Blackness took me. My body ached and my mind was on fire. I didn’t know what to feel but I was numb everywhere. I laid there in the blackness and thought hard.

_Maybe it would be better if I was dead...then I couldn’t get hurt any more._

The thought eased my mind. Being dead sounded like honey and tasted sweet on my lips. As I laid and stared into the foreverness of the dark I reached out. I hoped to grab onto something that would ease the pain, maybe even death itself.

"Jean." The darkness whispered.

My hand fell back to the ground with a meaty sounding thud.

"Jean." It called louder.

Was this death? Being called out to like some lost thing in the wild? I mean I was all alone and all but I guess I just never imagined it to be like this.

"JEAN!" The whole of the blackness shattered around me and soon I was falling.

I screamed as I plummeted trying to find something above me to grip to. There was nothing and soon it was too late.

My body it the bottom of the abyss with a earth shattering thud. It echoed for miles and miles. Pain shot thought my body and I screamed again. The voice that once called me very distant and lost. My name sounding more like a question than a lost call.

I drifted again, eyes finally closing, hopefully for the last time. I laid there in peacefully silence as my body relaxed. It felt like I designated into the whatever that was under me. 

Pressure hit me and I was slowly pulled back to the bright light as my mind fell into the shadow..

* * *

 

My eyes shot open and a large gulp of ice cold air shot though my body. I shot up and dry heaved into the pillow I was clutching to. My breath was ragged and broken, inhaling hard as I tried to regain myself from my terrifying dream.

_Why? Why did I have to dream about that of all things?_

I buried my face in my pillow and started crying again, not even noticing the hand lightly touching my back.

"J-Jean?" Marco's voice was quiet and he sounded scared.

I looked at him quickly, furrowing my brow. "What the hell do you want?" I hissed pulling myself away from him.

His hand hung in the air for a moment before he brought it back sadly. He looked really sad, like he was on the verge of tears. I let out a 'tch' sound before I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly. It was hard for me to keep up my bad attitude right now because all I wanted to do in reality was clutch to him. Even though he hurt me and broke my heart it was so painful to see him sit on the floor next to our bed, looking so fucking sad.

Our eyes met as I glanced up at him. They were locked in place and I could feel my eyes starting to water again but before I could turn away, it was Marco that did. He looked to the ground slowly.

I hadn’t noticed when I first saw him that he was still in his coat. He was soaking wet too. I looked to the window as a flash of lighting lit up the dark room. What time was it?

A small hic came from Marco as I looked over sheepishly. Fat tears were streaming down his face as he smiled, it was a small smile and it looked pained. It looked forced. He must have noticed me looking because he quickly whipped his eyes with the soaked sleeve smearing more water on his cheeks. As his hands fell back to his lap the smile was still plastered on his face.

"Why the hell are you smiling?" I yelled, moving quickly and pushing him away from the bed. He was staring to piss me off. How could he smile after what happened. How could he look me in the eyes and fucking smile!

He hit the floor with a thud and laid there for a minute.

"You're a piece of shit." I murmured burring my face in my knees again.

His breath caught so loud it seemed to echo throughout the room. In one motion he curled into a ball on the floor, clutching to himself like he was falling.

It was silent in the room for a while, the sound of the storm raging on outside was the only noise that seemed to come easy.

Marco broke the silence though. His voice was light, almost a whisper, like he didn’t want me to hear. “I-I’m sorry Jean..”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it Marco.” I shot at him tightening my grip on the knees. My body was hot and my face was still throbbing but I couldn’t feel anything. The only thing I felt was how pissed I was at Marco.

Marco sat up and leaned against the wall. “Im sorry.”

I clutched tighter.

“Im sorry jean, I really am.”

“Will you quit saying that! God Marco!” Tears were streaming form my eyes, hot and full of rage. “Do you really think that a simple ‘sorry Jean’ will suffice for what you did to me!”

  
I pointed at my face. I was shouting now at the edge of my bed. Marco wasn’t looking at me.

“Look at what you did to me! Look at the blood on my bed! What do you want form me eh? To accept your apology and everything be all fine and dandy again? Is that what you want Marco? Is it!”

Marco still wasn’t looking at me. I felt like a parent whose kid wouldn’t look at them while the parent is scolding them. I sat there on the edge of my bed waiting for a response from him but nothing came. Tears slid down his cheeks and his shoulders shook but he didn’t say anything.

I scoffed at him and turned back to my bed, lying back down on my side. The pillow back firmly in my arms as I gripped to it, balling my fists in and out.

“You’re just like my dad.” I whispered, more tears overflowing from my eyes. My breath caught as I tried to calm myself and even my breathing back but to no avail.

I was losing the battle of will I was having with myself.

Marco stood behind me and walked to the door. His feet sloshed with every step. Once I heard the door click shut I let it all out.

My crying was loud and broken but I tried to muffle the sounds of my sobs in the pillow. It didn’t really help that this was Marco’s pillow and smelled like him so every time I took a ragged breath in his sweet coconut vanilla smell came along with it. I gagged, every inch of my body aching as I thought about everything that had happened. I thought about my dream, how the pain was still with me and even though I had gotten better at ignoring the weird dream abuse it still lingered in my skin.

I felt the world crashing down around me as the horrifying feeling of hands on my hips crept into my skin. I bolted upright and off the bed, practically jumping from it hitting the door hard. It was like that night all over again, the same feelings of hopelessness and anger, of pure hatred. The darkness of the room was suffocating me, my throat closing up with every deep ragged breath I had. My body was aching so bad, it felt like I was being ripped apart all over again. My fingers tingled and my arms called out for the pain that had become a comfort to me over the years. I acted on my impulse to run. I wanted to run away from here, this room was too much, I needed to escape this fucking torture.

I burst out of the door and locked eyes with Marco; my breath ragged, inhaling as deep as I could. His eyes were red and he looked tired, he had been crying. My heart ached seeing him look so lost and sad but all I could think about was the relief of the pain. I needed to be in pain.

“J-Jean? What’s wrong?” Marco asked, sounding a bit scared.

I ignored him and walked into the kitchen, opening the drawers until I found it. “It” was the dullest knife we had in our apartment, the one that Marco had tried to throw out on several occasions but every time it ended up back in its spot. I knew I would need it one day.

My heart was racing, blood filling my ears and a weird sense of calm spreading thought my body as I held the knife out in front of me. There was movement in the other room, but I was too far gone to care. I walked in a long step to the other side of the kitchen, covering myself in shadow as I pressed the blade deep into my arm. Blood pooled at the tip as I pressed down harder, hissing at the pain. The tightness of fear in my body washed from me as blood begin to spill from the slit and dribble down my arm. I dragged the dull blade along my arm, skin ripping and snagging against it. The pain was wonderful as tears collected in my eyes, running down my face. I let out a small yell of pain as I pulled the knife away, broken skin still attached to the rough edges of the blade as my skin pulled slightly out with it.

“Jean?” I jumped at Marco’s voice. He sounded small, like a little kid, so innocent and weak. I looked back at him.

Tears were falling from his eyes as he let out a small hick from the back of this throat. He wasn’t in his wet clothes from before anymore, but instead he was dressed in his pajamas. The collar of his-my- shirt stretched out, exposing the mess of freckles on his collar bone. I looked at Marco now, no more anger inside of me because of him. Everything that had just happened seemed to be smudged in my memory as I turned to him. His eyes laid on mine, not even thinking about looking at the drops of blood falling to the floor as I lowered my arm or the blood soaked knife in my hand. He took a step forward hesitantly, as if asking if it was okay and when I didn’t protest he slowly came up to me, taking me in his arms gently. His head nuzzled into my shoulder as his arms wrapped loosely around my waist.

“Please.” He cried, still sounding small. “Stop this.”

The knife fell from my hand and connected on the floor with a loud clatter. Its noise ringing though the kitchen for a moment, lingering in the air. Time seemed to stand still as Marco clutched to me, his body shaking hard from sobbing, tugging lightly at the hem of my shirt.

As we stood there in the darkness of the kitchen, time wasn’t a thing. Forever felt like a second, but a minute felt like an eternity as he clutched to me, his tears soaking my shoulder. Marco’s warmth filled me, all the darkness and haze from before was now sharp. I hesitated wrapping my arms around his chest, in fear of getting blood of his shirt but as he clutched on harder- more desperately- I couldn’t resist.

“I’m sorry.” Marco’s voice shattered the warming silence of the room.

His voice was horse and broken when he spoke, the shakiness of crying overwhelming him.

“Im sorry I hit you Jean, I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t that’s what. Im so sorry, please forgive me Jean. I love you so much, I don’t know what came over me.”

Marco’s mouth moved quickly, nonsense spilling from it like water. I sighed deeply, my nose buried in his shoulder. I was still mad at him, that was for sure, but I just couldn’t be at this moment. For once I wanted to be the one to tell him it was okay, the one to comfort him.

“Just please..” He mushed his mouth into my shoulder as he trailed off into another small crying fit. “Please, stay with me.”

I tried to pull back from him a bit but he clutched on harder, bringing me back to him, another cry of ‘please’ escaping his mouth suddenly. I looked at him shocked. Did he think I was gonna leave him? Did I think I was gonna leave him? I looked at him, tears clinging to his eyelashes, face red and sad, Marco looked so helpless, so sad.

“Marco..”

“I know Jean..but please..please.” He cried into my shirt.

I lifted his head up, moving my hands from his chest to his cheeks. I held his face in my hands as he looked at me confused. Our lips met gently as I leaned in quickly. Marco reared back a bit shocked before pushing back into the kiss.

* * *

 

The bathroom was cold. Marco ran his fingers up my arm, sending shivers down my spine, as he bandaged my arm up for me. The band aids put a lot of pressure on my arm but I didn’t really care anymore. Everything hurt, why not one more thing.

“There, you should be good till morning now. I’ll go out and get some proper stuff tomorrow.” Marco was on his knees in front of the toilet, where I was sitting, as he spoke. His voice was still a little shaky but now held the same calm, happy demeanor he always had.

I rubbed my arm slowly; thumbing at the spot I knew skin was broken.

“That was pathetic of me wasn’t it?” I whispered, more to myself then to anyone.

Marco sat back onto his heels.

“No. Not at all Jean.” He reached out and pulled my arm back to him, gently covering the bandages with his freckled hand. “You are thrown so much shit that with you it’s the only means necessary some times. I understand why, and I’m the only one who could possibly judge you because of it. Which I won’t.”

Marco looked me sadly in the eyes as he trailed off. In a slow motion, Marco brought my arm to his lips, running kisses up my arm. The familiar feeling of his lips on my arm made me suddenly remember everything that had happened. Tears welled up in my eyes as I grabbed the collar of Marco’s shirt pulling him into a tight hug. His mouth moved, as if to say something but closed tightly accepting the forceful hug.

“I’m sorry Marco..” I mumbled into his hair.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for Jean.” Marco pulled away, sitting back on his knees. His hand clutched onto mine.

I whipped my eyes with my free hand. “I do though. I’m so sorry for pushing my problems onto you since the first time we met. Just out of nowhere, some kid calls you in the middle of the night and ruined your life. I’m sorry I’m such a dick, I’m sorry I’m so difficult, I’m so sorry that I can never fucking tell you what I want to.”

I looked at Marco in the eyes as his face softened, his hair brushing past his eyebrows. “…Is there something you want to tell me Jean?”

I felt frozen. I had to tell him or it was going to eat me alive.

“I’m sorry that I’ve neglected to tell you Marco. I..I just didn’t know how to. I’ve been pushing all these dumb, stupid fucking problems on you while not letting you help me through the biggest one.”

Marco looked at me, a slightly confused expression spread across his freckled face. “Jean..is this about what happened after graduation?”

My body ached as I started to ease into a panic attack, my vision blurred slightly. “No..its about New Year’s.”

Marco half laughed, half gasped. “Ah! The infamous New Year’s mystery. I remember Armin saying it was something pretty bad.”

He laid his head on my lap as I stared at him, hesitantly petting his hair from his face.

“Wait. Why does Armin know about what happened but I don’t?”

“He was there. Well, not there there, but he saw me after wards. He tried to help me.” I mumbled, feeling the familiar feeling of gray blocking my mind.

I closed my eyes and let myself slip all the way into the attack. I was in my mom’s meadow again, the wind gentle as she stood there next to me. She reached out for my hand.

“Jean baby. You can trust him..” She caressed my cheek. “Stop being afraid of the world, all of the demons are in your head.”

I stared at her.

“Here.” She let go of my hand and dug in her pocket for something. She pulled out the object and placed it in my hand.

It was a small ring, a tiny opal gem perched on top.

“This was the ring your father gave to me the day we got married. It is full of love, so whenever you are scared just remember this ring okay.”

I nodded unable to say anything as tears slid from my eyes.

“Let him in Jean.”

I opened my eyes with a gasp as they focused on Marco’s face. His freckles dusted on his face like stars in the sky, the middle part of his dark hair slightly askew from being in the rain earlier.

“Jean? Are you okay? You were shaking really bad again.”

I nodded, gulping hard.

“On New year’s..my dad. He..he did something.” I stuttered.

I needed to say it. I had to but the overwhelming feeling of nausea was almost to much as I gaged a bit, Marco reaching out to hold me. He pulled from the toilet and onto the floor along with him.

“You don’t have to tell me if you cant. I understand” He cooed.

“I need to tell you..” I clutched to his shirt.

I couldn’t find it in myself to say what I wanted to, every passing second I was getting more frustrated. Why couldn’t I tell him? I grabbed Marco’s hands and hesitantly put them on my hips, hands shaking hard. He tried to pull them away but I stopped him. The feeling was weird, Marco’s hands gently on my hips, the place I swore I’d never let anyone touch again. Marco rubbed his fingers into my hips lightly.

“My dad..he..he r..raped me.” I said slowly.

Marco tensed up, careful to not clench his hands onto my hips. He pulled away from me, absolute shock slapped across his face. He looked away from me, covering his mouth with his hand. My heart started racing. What if he didn’t want to be with me after this? What if he was upset with me? What if he hated me because of it?

“I..I had no idea.” He dropped his hand to his lap, face still turned away.

“Is that why you could never do anything with me?” He talked slowly.

I nodded quickly. “Every time you touched me all I could think about was him. The way it hurt, the way I felt so..so fucking betrayed by him. I tried to enjoy what we did but I couldn’t. There was just so much pain in my heart that even with you….I couldn’t bear it.”

He took a ragged breath in before grabbing me and clutching onto me hard.

“Im so sorry Jean. If I had known…I wouldn’t have..I should have guessed..”

I smiled into Marco’s chest, something inside of me changing. The world seemed to get brighter as I looked at Marco through my eyelashes. I slowly pulled away from him and stared at him.

“Jean? Are you okay? You’re smiling” He smiled his famous toothy smile. “That’s rare. Who would have thought you’d have a smile like that on your face at a time like this.”

I laughed at him, hard. Tears welled in my eyes from laughing. Marco sat there stunned, his smile still on his face as he began to laugh along with me.

“I love you so much Marco.”

He looked at me, his laughter fading away. “I love you to Jean.”

I pulled him over to me for a kiss. Our lips met quickly, the feeling filling me, Marco’s sent wafted into my nose. I pulled away from him and stood, bringing him along with me.

“Marco.”

I paused as he adjusted himself besides me in our small bathroom.

“Let’s have sex.”


End file.
